Self Discipline

Or rather ~ lack of it.

I will get the Christmas tree down tonight if I'm up until 2am.

I WILL get the Christmas tree decorations OFF the tree, into boxes & packed away (to go into storage) TONIGHT after chorus.

I will. I will. I will.
I must. *whimper*

It is embarrassing. But I know someone else (not naming names here) who has their tree up still, too. They at least have the decorations off and are working on getting the lights off.

Why can't I keep agreements with myself?

I need a friend to meet me at Curves, for the external motivation of not letting someone else down is so strong in me that I'm more likely to go. How come I'm not that important to myself?!?!?

I try to put up motivational signs ~ on my wall in front of the computer, where I look every single day is a note, "One Project At A Time" -- because I start a dozen things and don't finish one thing before starting another, and chaos ensues. All surfaces are covered with stuff. Then I get extreme and throw things away... I try to set a schedule, I even let myself off with "you can do anything in 15 minutes" ~ therefore I don't have to spend the whole day cleaning or doing something I don't want to be doing at the time. So why is why the freaking tree is still up? Because I hate taking down the Christmas Tree. I hate for anyone else to take it down, either... I'm particular about how the stuff is packed, want it to be organized to put it up next year... Because I haven't wanted to take the time - all maybe -- MAYBE -- 2 hours that it may take.

Yet -- [long pause] -- what am I trying to say. I do like a lot of the chaos. I must. I keep choosing it.

To me, routine & self-discipline are related. I lack both.

I'm so "ALL or NOTHING" in my mindset (perfectionist tendencies, even though I cognizantly know better... perfection being the elusive desert mirage), that starting small seems so insignificant. Like starting with: Just for today I will spend 2 blocks of time of 15 minutes each putting things away.

and:

Just for today I will spend 30 minutes improving my health.

So easy to type.

Would anyone like to meet me at Curves and hold me accountable - Kolb & 22nd street? Anyone... Anyone... Bueller?