Already halfway through the month

Today I was going to go to a Senior Expo - where a lot of the senior retirement complexes & Assisted Care Home folks were going to be - an excellent opportunity to introduce myself & give them my card and a little packet of what I do and who I am... and it si now 11:42 am and after 3 days of hiding and hibernating am starting to come out from under.

Friday I had some tummy turmoil in that my food was going straight through me, passing Go only to become liquid. I had a headache, and was really warm. So I left early from work, came home and started watching tv. I watched tv all day Saturday. I did a load of laundry. Himself made Pizza, I was still "delicate" and my headache got worse. Sunday was very much the same. I did have some popcorn, the rest of himself's pizza, and we watched "Polar Express" -- which I enjoyed immensely.

While I felt physically icky, my emotions were in the depths. Just no drive whatsoever to do anything. And I know doing something, anything, even just 15 minutes of dishes, or laundry, just accomplishing a task, helps 110% to change my mood. I wouldn't even do that. I have Christmas on my dining room table that needs to be packed away, and even though I feel worse with it out, I couldn't face dealing with it either. Then I beat myself for lack of discipline, that I'm so emotionally driven. Yeah, I had a great weekend.

I wanted to speed scrap my stuff - and I'm working on the second half of 2003, which is the year of the breakdowns, the letting downs, and the final decision to move home. Hmmm... think maybe that thinking about this stuff contributed to my depression? I start to miss certain aspects of Scotland - and my friends - and I have thoughts that don't belong, like "Maybe it would be different the second time." Well, it would be different... but *I'M* not different, so eventually everything would be the same. I am so frustrated with this part of me... in my head I understand that changing my environment and surroundings won't change my experience, but yet I keep thinking they will. That somehow, *THIS* time will be different... like losing weight, like keeping a house-cleaning schedule, like flossing my teeth more than once a month, shoot, even brushing my teeth at night, not just in the morning will become a habit... that all these things will magically happen because I change my surroundings. Duh!

I have to do things even when I don't feel like it. The artistic part of me argues incessantly about how I can't force creativity (scrapping and cards), that if I don't feel like scrapping then I shouldn't scrap, because I'll be unhappy with the results. Maybe. But the pages will be done. Still arguing that yeah, they'll be done but you'll look at them and be unhappy every time from now on until forever and then what...?!

No resolutions. I just want to follow my 15 minute success plan - I can do anything for 15 minutes. Just take 15 minutes and start, and pretty soon see how much is accomplished, and to be happy with what I've done, and not to obsess about it not being perfect or thorough. I think the thorough part for me is just another word for perfection -- did you see the lightbulb flash just now? ;-)