Thursday, September 17, 2009


It has been longer than forever it seems since I've been in the mood to write anything.

Lately even Facebook Status (statuses? statusi?) have/has been a challenge.

Things at work are pretty close to the line. Two weeks ago I wasn't sure if there was going to be full paychecks for everyone. Today's payday again and it isn't too much better. We're down 30 girls and for our budget that is disastrous. I'm now sick.... sore throat, headache etc... so I'm home, doing some work (emails and stuff), feeling guilty about not getting more done at work, but don't want to expose anyone else to this -- which seems to be going around.

Normally I don't catch things that are 'going around' -- but when I'm consumed with worry... which, I hesitate to call it worry... it is more like anger... when I'm consumed by negative emotions I know my immune system is weakened and so voila! Here's the sore throat-headache which will turn into a cold if I don't really watch it. So... I'm drinking my singer's Tea, copious amounts of water, chewing raw garlic cloves (holy cow those things are HOT! but I feel better almost immediately after the initial shock and nausea goes away ;-), taking 2,000 mg of Vitamin C every 4 to 6 hours, and the usual daily dose of echinachea, multi-vitamin and general pain reliever.

As someone who essentially lives life by emotions, when my feelings are 'off' everything else goes to garbage. I am so unmotivated in most other areas of my life when one section of my life is affected... which leads to MORE un (dis?)-motivation... because for me, the lack of doing anything only feeds the feelings of 'why bother.' That downward spiral again :-(

Hence my constant quest for self-discipline, self-control, whatever you want to call it. To just "put on my big girl pants and do it" makes me smile and often will get me over one thing at time... though it is a one-minute-at-a-time constant struggle for me... with food, with thoughts, with attitude... with doing things whether I "feel like it or not!" Work is completely overwhelming because when I'm in this mode I have a hard time concentrating or focusing (which is difficult enough without the emotional distractions....) on any one task, and soooo many things fall through the cracks.

On top of that we are all tired and worn out and overworked and underpaid. We all are feeling discouraged in one way or another.

I have the opportunity to go elsewhere and work... it isn't official, and there are a lot of things pending on what it might ultimately be; and it would mean going back to work for someone that I've worked for in the past and left because of the management style of this person. There were other reasons I left as well, but added altogether the reason I left was mostly my lack of coping skills with the management style and my lack of belief in myself and my talents and skills.

I also have the scrapbooking that I could do to earn extra money -- but the time between work and singing leaves me little time for that -- if I know my job pay is going to be less, I've offered to go part time and then I can supplement my income in the other ways.

I start reading personal fulfillment blogs, and personal enrichment articles, and things about minimizing and downsizing and being frugal and think, "yeah! if only I could clean my desk I'd feel better about it all and get things done." And while yes, there is some truth to that... that is too simple a solution (or at least, so it seems).

Dreamin' The Life is one blog that looks good...

Life Excursion has some well written and simple ideas...

Leo's Minimilist blog is always awesome...
and his is where I usually go to start.

I envy those people who are born this way... sure I love clean counters and surfaces... clear of clutter, junk and stuff -- but the 'do it now' principle somehow always gets lost and before I know it, weeks have gone by and all surfaces are full, as well as the other places that seem to collect stuff.

I complain that I don't have enough room, which is why I go back to the minimalist ideal... if I have less stuff I'll not have the problem of not enough room.

But my passions - music, creative pursuits and sharing them, and learning... all these things require things in order to do them.

Now I'm just babbling...

oh yeah... and I'm supposed to be doing Weight Watchers online... this isn't working for me the 2nd time... I really do know better.


lifeexcursion said...

That's awesome that you are improving your life situation. There is never a better time or place than NOW to become a better person that's living the life they have always wanted to live. The simpler you live, the better off you will be. I am glad LifeExcursion was able to help.

Thanks for linking by the way!


Baroness Insomniac said...

You're not alone. You're not abnormal. You're a VERY talented, loving, kind and sincere individual.

Now, while I totally get the parts about the downward spiral I must throw up my hand and say, "Love me. Love my stuff." ;)

Vitamin D3 has helped me a lot with my downward spirals though. Seems I was so low on them it wasn't funny. You getting sun? (seriously.)

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