Friday, June 23, 2006

2:00 am

Can't sleep. I took a nap at 2pm and overslept until 4:30. I shouldn't have done it... self-sabatoging, really. I unpacked 2 more boxes today, and called the post office to make sure our mail will start being delivered again (it has), and wrote out what my FLYlady morning and evening routines will be... I don't think it is too much, and I did most of the evening routine tonight. Okay, half of what is on my list.

Something I read in one of the many many many emails that come from FLYlady was living the "wannabe" life ~ keeping things that might be used 'one day' is essentially hoarding, and believing that you won't have 'enough' to buy another one should you really need it in the future, which, of course, is living in fear.

Listening to Family Life Radio the other day I heard the tail end of a talk about a guy saying that we shouldn't live in fear. I know that. I intellectually understand that. But do I emotionally GET IT? I resist having children because of fear... the what ifs of child rearing. I cut myself off from such joy... joy I don't even really understand because of this fear. And when I stop and think about it, I know I can replace that fear with faith. I've done it before, but it isn't a habit. And it needs to be.

But back to wannabe -- keeping things (Clutter, really... stuff!!) that will prove/show that 'one of these days' I'll have the time/money/motivation to be perfect. Yep, that is what it is. The quest for perfection. And again, I know intellectually that I'm not perfect. That it is foolish and stops me from even trying some things... I beat myself up and the 'inner committee' starts the negative self talk tape and before I know it I'm mired in hopelessness, despair and the 'why bother' attitude.

I remember not re-subscribing to the Martha Stewart Living magazine back in 1996 or so because I just got depressed reading it... wanting to be that, and not having the money/time or tools... and constantly feeling like I was falling short, that I was not enough.

Kind of jumping around a little... welcome to my head. I haven't used my timer since the 2nd week of June, and I can tell. I spend too much time on the computer and all of a sudden it is 2pm and I'm not showered or dressed, I want to nap... *sigh!*

The house cleaners and the yard guy were here yesterday -- and now I'm missing my 2 bottles of Lysol with Bleach cleaners, my Lysol toilet cleaner, my 2 pumice stones, the Bon Ami & Kleen King powder... weird. More annoying than anything else! Recently I've been reading/researching the benefits of Distilled Vinegar ~ that stuff is amazing!! I have some in a spray bottle and have been using it. And no, it doesn't smell vinegar-y after a few minutes. Tying those two thoughts together -- I don't really need a bunch of cleaners when Vinegar & Baking Soda, some Ammonia & one other inexpensive element which I can't think of right now, you really have all you need to clean your house. Even to help keep drains clear.

The yard looks fabulous. I had him cut off some of the lower branches of the orange tree so we won't break our backs trying to clear out fallen oranges... had him take out the Texas Ranger bush by the bedroom door (it attracts bees), and pull out some monster weeds. He also cut a couple of Palm Tree limbs that were overgrowing into the patio walkway, and so now we won't poke our eyes out going around to the back of the house - yay!

Also, yesterday (Wednesday), there was a 5 minute power out, and my computer wouldn't turn back on afterwards. Talk about panicked! It was like my left arm had been cut off... I read somewhere on the internet tonight (!) that the computer has overtaken all the other home appliances as the most used. duh. Of course, himself, computer guru-genius was able to fix it without any trouble *wipes sweat from brow* WHEW!! And I'm not even going to the place to talk about backing my computer up.... argh.

I've agreed to do group sales for the chorus show in October. Yeah, I have time for that. (please hear the slight sarcasm) It is a double goodie, however, which is why I did it... I need the list of retirement communities in and around Tucson for my own cabaret business (and for Glen Rose), so it will ultimately benefit me personally, too. And there are other groups to whom we can reach out and offer to come see our show. It is going to be a great show, as un-excited as I usually am for chorus shows, it comes as a surprise that I'm really quite excited about this one. Which helps when one is in charge of group sales. I need to spend some time thinking about it, and who I'd like on my team as volunteers.

Had a great quartet rehearsal on Sunday -- and then a couple days later I wrote out a ganga-email talking about all sorts of stuff we didnt' have a chance to even bring up to talk about at a later date -- so we still have a lot of plans to discuss. We've chosen 5 new songs to learn. I'm currently on the "Hearts Afire" quartet assistance plan, because my finances haven't been high... but with this new part time job (starting Tuesday) I'll be able to pay the car loan, car insurance & still have some money to save and to play. We're going to Ontario, California the first weekend in August for Region 21's summer education weekend. It is all about character development for singing, and that is an area 3/4 of us lack ... *heh heh* I'm excited to get back into that part of the process, and I'm very excited to learn some new techniques.

I'm also putting together a double quartet for that weekend, as there is a fun double quartet contest. I was ready to chuck it (and saying words rhyming with 'chuck') on Tuesday night after chorus, but I think I was just tired. It may fall apart because I wasn't able to do anything organizational between contest and the 1st of June because of the deaths in May, and moving... and I'm very sorry about that, and I realize I'm defensive because I could/should have communicated or passed the responsibility/shared my vision with someone who could have started it. I hope I learned that lesson and that I don't get it again!

Himself is doing great at work ~ they love him. He's been asked to apply for yet another department when this Quicken Beta Testing phase is over (probably another 6-8 weeks)... which would be more of the same, only with a personal medical records type program, quite specialized. He is quite happy and content with everything right now... but now we've got the bills coming -blech-!

We'll be celebrating our 8 year anniversary on Saturday (it was the 20th)... with a fun day. Garage Sales in the morning, breakfast at the Happy Rooster, getting the blue couch out of storage (not fun, but will be fun to have a couch again in the living room), using our gift vouchers for lunch and a movie... renting some DVD's and eating junk food at night. I'm looking forward to it!


Andreia said...

You know I feel the same way about HGTV and all that as you did Martha. I simply could not watch it because there was so much I wanted to do in my house, that it made me feel like a failure. I have shared that with many people who just acted like I was nuts! Nice to know someone else is nuts in this world!

BTW, I was at Pepperdine just last month : )

C D said...

I'll bet it was nice and cool.... *sigh* I'm envious (in a nice way!)

Ell said...

Happy Anniversary (a bit late as usual). =D