Memorial Day 06

In my little corner of the world, the movers come tomorrow. We have many boxes yet to pack, but I think we are just at the half-way point, so progress at this point is serious progress :-). A.T. has done tremendous amounts of packing and work in clearing the family room, dining room & red bedroom so we have a place to move our stuff into. Her movers come Wednesday afternoon -- so logistically it will be a stuffed house for 24 hours -- but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We spent a couple hours last night over there, and I unpacked most of the kitchen -- we have so little by way of plates, glasses and cookware that there are lots of shelves with nothing on them -- gosh, how cool is that?! And a pantry... *slobber* I can't wait!

I have my little 15-minute timer that I am wearing around my neck, and 5 minutes until I have to finish this and get back to packing.

Mom & I got back from California on Friday evening around 5:30 pm, and I left for Tucson about 7:30 -- home by 10:45 or so. I had been able to nap a couple times in the car when mom drove, so I was fine, though it was a long day.

I am still sad over the loss of B.K. within the family, it was a really nice service, with lots of family and friends of hers getting up to speak and talk of memories of how much their lives had been enriched from knowing her and being loved by her. Daughter B's husband H said some really nice things, and did a great job of being the first 'talk.' All the guys had on purple shirts & ties in honor of B.K. and her favorite color... and almost everyone had on some purple or lavendar somewhere...

Thursday morning before leaving mom & I went to R.C.'s & C.J.'s "for coffee" and stayed for 5 hours -- it was his 88th birthday, so he kept getting phone calls to wish him a happy birthday (his party was Saturday) -- and my timer went off, so more later.

Purpose

I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep -- so I started surfing around and finding blogs I wanted to bookmark and keep up with. Most of them are Christian or Spiritually oriented, which is good and good for me. Usually I end up playing 'spider solitaire' until I get drowsy enough to go back to bed. Reading things that help me focus on being a better person and what my priorities are and that I am a beloved child of God makes it easier when I'm feeling useless.

In reading these posts, I feel less than. Not inferior. Not worse to imply they are better. Just the Carrie < 'Bloggers I've read today'. And the same old tapes start to play, and really, they are so worn and tired, scratchy and haggard (gosh I love the online thesaurus!). A new track is certainly in order. I am a beloved child of God. That would be a good start, wouldn't it?!

I haven't let my soul out on the internet -- there's a lot of weirdos out there(!) Yet, I have nothing to hide, I'm not divulging my social security number, or my bank account information, I don't even like putting out friend's real names. I've been pretty honest though, allowing uglier, more human and dare I say, sinful, parts of my pysche to show. But I don't really post anything controversial -- opinions that may differ from anyone else's, anything shocking. (What would Tom Cruise say about my depression medication while I was in Scotland?! *ha ha!*) Controversy is not my intent. [side track: In the UK they pronounce CON-tro-ver-sy as Con-TRA-ver-sy. Weird, huh? ] Do I want thought-provoking dialogue? ummmm... I don't think I want it necesarily in *my* blog, but I appreciate being able to observe it happening on other people's blogs.

Mike Cope's blog had over 80 comments on why Starbucks is ruling the world (May 18th entry). I joined in, because I like Starbucks, but I don't drink regular coffee there. I can drink coffee at home... I go to Starbucks because I can get things there that I can't create at home - atmosphere, memories, Caramel Cream Frappaccinos... I had just as much fun reading all the comments on his blog as I have fun reading his entries.

I just found another Pepperdine Pal -- via a comment from one of the blogs I'd happened onto, and his most recent post was how blogging hasn't become a comfortable place for him to be. He feels presumptous, among other things. I understand his perspective & have felt the same. I, on the other hand, don't think many people read what I write, I'm writing for me, mostly, sort of. I write because I've always written -- some kind of journal, some kind of commentary always mumbling through my thoughts on what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, what I'm doing it for and judging it. I also write because this is easier than writing a bunch of emails, and people who are interested can keep up with me, if they are so inclined. It also will help me when it comes to scrapbooking this year, to have dates and activities documented...

My underlying thought is, 'what if some of these (talented, gifted, spiritual) people (whom I admire) whom I've read, come to my blog and read it? What would they think?' And I have this internal dialogue that goes something like this:

Rational Healthy(?) Self: So what? You're an interesting, gifted, Godly woman who has contributed to the world around her in ways that are significant to those who know her and love her... it is okay to show people who you really are. If they don't like you, or your opinions, it is their issue, not yours.

Guilty People Pleasing Self: Whaddya mean so what? What if someone doesn't like me? That whole line about "that is their issue not yours" is so, so... worldly. So modern. So self-protecting and arrogant. Harsh. Unkind.

Healthy Self: (interrupts) So What? What is the worst thing that can happen if someone doesn't like you?

People Pleasing Self: Then I will be thought less of. Not enough. Not perfect. Un-charitable, un-Christian. And what if I don't have reasons to back my opinions up.... it is just easier to not put it out there.

You can see why I get confused... finding the balance between loving, gentle and kind, and also having a healthy self-esteem regarding someone who may have a difference of opinion from me... how to stand up for oneself, while turning the other cheek -- to have a healthy self worth without losing the disciple's path to be like Jesus.

But confusion is the devil's tool. Battling it takes focus. Solidity of thought. Unwavering belief and faith in the desired outcome. Knowing who to turn to when a question comes up, rather than floundering around hoping someone comes to give you a hand. Reminding yourself that you are a beloved Child of God. BELOVED! adored.

I guess JC didn't have a self-esteem problem because - duh! He knew he was (is)

A Beloved Child Of God.

That was a long way around to get to the purpose... and wasn't at all what I thought I intended to say, but methinks it needed to be thought through & said.

3

I just found out a couple hours ago that a special relative has died. My dad called at 8:10 pm and I saw his number on the caller ID and knew it was bad news. My sister is cancer-free and just finished her last radiation treatment wednesday, so I wasn't thinking it was her. I was expecting an beloved uncle to have passed away, but instead it was one of my dad's favorite cousins, BK. She had a massive stroke yesterday, her family was told if she lived she would be a vegetable, and was taken off life support at 5pm. She passed away with her family there around midnight. I'm still so sad. Sad for her kids and grandkids. Sad for her close cousins who live near her, who are MY favorite cousins. I got off the phone with my dad and then had to call my mom and tell her.

I could hardly get the words out, and am welling up right now thinking of it again. I'm feeling the grief for everyone else's loss more than for myself -- my mom who is her age, maybe slightly older. I'm feeling grief that we are all aging and that we all will lose or have already lost someone near and dear to us. I'm crying for the day when I will lose my mom.

My mom and I are planning to go to the funeral - my dad's side of the family is so close, and it had been a year since I saw them all (last April for beloved great uncle SOB & CJ's 60th wedding anniversary), and I love them all so very very much. I know my mom still misses being around that clan :-) That knowledge, that we'll be out of town for a few days, will kick my packing in gear, as I won't have the whole week I was thinking I had.

I'm so glad I'm home to be here for these times. Feeling the sadness isn't what I'm glad for, of course, but that I can be here to mourn with those who are mourning, and be here to be there for my mom. Words fail me.

It caught up with me

The icky bug that everyone it seems has had... I have a mild case of it, but it is still making me feel queasy, and very much like not wanting to do any of the many tasks I have set up to do before we move.

I asked himself to bring home chicken noodle soup and some pre-made jello. He is aware that I'm avoiding sweeteners, yet did not notice that all the jello he brought me was sugar-free. They make me feel queasier. How does one handle this? I'm so thankful he was willing to stop by the store to pick them up for me, but yet they are not what I need. Yet I won't tell him, because that won't do any good. He hates 'jelly' - so no fear that they'll be eaten by anyone but me. Great.

How is it that we can be so unaware? I didn't set out with this post to be whiny and complaining, really I didn't. He is so thoughtful and spoils me in so many other ways ~ and I'm a lucky lucky woman to have someone who isn't uptight, isn't a perfectionist about neatness, isn't a clothes horse or finicky about how his laundry is done. And who buys me roll-up keyboards :-) Argh...

I've been reading a Pepperdine friend's blog, and read a post that they were in Arizona in April. I'm bummed he didn't even send me an email to say "hey, if you're around, our schedule will be... and it would be great to hang out and have pie & coffee..." And I know he would feel bad if he knew (I left him a comment on the post letting him know with humor that I was bummed). And really, to be honest, my feelings are not really directed at him.

It goes back to being the one who calls. Though today a friend of mine did ring and say lets get together, and that helps balance out the scale :-). Why does it matter who calls? I know my friends love me and always appreciate hearing from me and being able to catch up... yet what would happen if I didn't? Life would intervene and friendships would fade, and that would make me even sadder, so I call.

What goes around comes around.

And death. Sudden, shocking, I can't believe these people are no longer alive death. Terry Howell, founder and force of Arizona Rose Theatre, died pretty suddenly May 2nd of Congestive Heart Failure. I went to the memorial on Friday -- and how thankful I am that I saw the Howells in December and got hugs, and felt peace from that chapter of my life, and that it was finally closed. Otherwise, it would have been much uglier for me on Friday. When I heard the news a couple days after he passed away, I went into administrative mode, and contacted some old Arizona Rose Friends - kids I worked with who are now all grown up and graduated themselves from college and walking the pavement trying to be professional actors. How much I admire them for their talent and their committment... their committment!!

A day or so later, I get news that a friend from Scotland, part of the Forth Valley Chorus, died after not being well -- but only a couple close friends knew that she'd been diagnosed with bone cancer. She leaves behind a teenaged severely handicapped daughter. The chorus was competing in their regional contest when they heard the news -- what an emotional time it must have been -- and the memorial is the 18th. News of Margaret's death hit me harder, and the realization that we really need to live with joy, peace, love, and courage -- live without fear -- that realization I would like to say has made a difference and stuck with me. But I'm not living life any different.

This truly is a rambling post -- no plan, no continuity, no trying to be witty, just trying to spell things write, er, right, yeah.

It is time for me to stop wishing and wanting and to choose. And I've been avoiding committment and choice all my life -- I don't choose to committ to living a healthy lifestyle or adding exercise to my life, I don't choose to clean my house for 15 minutes a day (only 15-daggum minutes.......!!!!!!!!!), and I don't choose to grow up. I keep saying I want my own business, but have wasted a lot of time, and it is not funny anymore. We're moving to an expensive house and I need to step up and start contributing.

Well -- now you've seen the inside of my head.

1 year yesterday

Himself's 1-year 'living in America' anniversary was yesterday. With everything that has happened in the past year, it actually *feels* like it has been a year -- it hasn't passed by unbelievably quickly. He was talking about sending out an email with thoughts about living here a year... and in talking about jobs and future, he said he is E*X*A*C*T*L*Y where he wants to be. If someone had asked him a year ago what his perfect job would be, it would be tech support for a good software company. Well, that is exactly where he is. He had some doubts in the middle of tax season -- mostly the feeling of not knowing enough -- but now with the calls slowing down and he's Beta Testing for Quicken -- 3 months of answering emails... he's very content and happy with what he is doing. I'm thrilled that things have worked out this way.

As for me... enought wishing and wanting -- I need to choose to start making a living. My hobby has come first for the last 6 months, and now it has to take the back seat while I get my business off the ground.

Tra La -- It's May, that lusty month of May!!

Wow. I haven't felt like writing in so long, so nice to be in the mood again. April just kinda sped by, with Sweet Adeline Region 21 contest preparation... and this week contest is upon us! On Friday, May 5th I'll be competing with my quartet, "Hearts Afire" as contestant #10 out of 17; and on Saturday, I'll be competing with my chorus, Tucson Desert Harmony - and we are contestant #7 out of 10.

Contest. Where hundreds of women, all garbed in sequins, sparkles, glitter, all-in-ones (underwear best described as spandex armor), false eyelashes, stage makeup, and uncomfortable shoes. We aim to improve our scores from the previous year(s), and to see what the other barbershoppers in our region are doing. We meet up with old friends, make new friends... oh yeah, and we sing. We sing anywhere someone else isn't already. We sing in the hallways of the hotel, in the bars of the hotel, in the street, on the bus, in our rooms, and of course - on stage! We smile, we talk our butterflies into trying to fly in formation in our bodies, we self-talk, we visualize, we pray. We want to get past ourselves and give a gift to our audience. The gift of a musical experience that they will remember always. We want to judges to be truthful yet kind. We want to feel the love, hear the cheers, listen to the harmony, and laugh with everyone else who understands the inside jokes of a cappella singers. We also shop. We are attracted to things that glitter and shine as blackbirds to bits of tinsel... and there are plenty of vendors who supply us with our necessary goodies!

Himself was one of 26 'seasonals' at work who were asked to stay on permanently, so answers to prayers there! He's now full time employed, full medical benefits *heaving sigh of relief!* and a very decent salary. When you consider that it is a call center, in Tucson (not known for its high salaries and/or decent living wages due to being such a service oriented town...), and it is certainly one of the best companies in town, we are very very pleased. We plan to move back into the house I grew up in, rent it from mom for awhile, then make plans to buy it within the year. We plan to move the end of May, as the lease on the apartment is up May 31. We are very excited to be moving into more space -- and dreaming of all the things we want to do.

I've been traveling to Phoenix every weekend but one in April, due to quartet rehearsals and performances, so I'll be cutting back on that traveling now that contest is over shortly. I have agreed to be on the board for the chorus, so that will be a little more work, but I'm excited about contributing more toward the overall good! :-) I guess what I'm saying is things will hopefully get back to more normal, whatever normal is, in June.

I'll be teaching a craft class twice monthly in June, July, August & September, as well as singing for the June and August birthday parties at Fellowship Square. With another 20 songs under my belt from the birthday parties, by September I should have a complete show together, and can actually start marketing myself to other senior living residences.

I don't know if I'm changing -- regarding to accomplishing goals and increasing my self discipline, but I feel stronger. Hard to really describe... I do *GET* that for something to change, someone has to take a stand. My "stands" have not been rooted -- and I am still going with the flow, rather than staying my ground. I recognize this, and for most aspects of my life, I like the fact that I'm flexible, and spontaneous -- yet in matters of weight loss, exercise and my own business, this 'waving in the wind' is definitely NOT working for me! When I say I'm working 3 days a week, that means I cannot say on one of my designated work days, "sure, I can meet you for lunch on that day..." or think that I deserve a break. Because a break from doing nothing shouldn't be called a break. It should be called selfish and instant gratification.

This makes a lot of sense in my head. *ha ha!!*

Basically, taking 15 minutes at the beginning and the end of my day(s) to plan would enable me to plan to get to Curves... PLAN the meal to cook... plan the birthday cards I want to send, the phone calls I want to make, and the emails/internet surfing time 'rewards'. Maybe tonight I can start that. And make this move the fabulous opportunity it is to do some baby flying with FlyLady.