Friday, May 19, 2006


I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep -- so I started surfing around and finding blogs I wanted to bookmark and keep up with. Most of them are Christian or Spiritually oriented, which is good and good for me. Usually I end up playing 'spider solitaire' until I get drowsy enough to go back to bed. Reading things that help me focus on being a better person and what my priorities are and that I am a beloved child of God makes it easier when I'm feeling useless.

In reading these posts, I feel less than. Not inferior. Not worse to imply they are better. Just the Carrie < 'Bloggers I've read today'. And the same old tapes start to play, and really, they are so worn and tired, scratchy and haggard (gosh I love the online thesaurus!). A new track is certainly in order. I am a beloved child of God. That would be a good start, wouldn't it?!

I haven't let my soul out on the internet -- there's a lot of weirdos out there(!) Yet, I have nothing to hide, I'm not divulging my social security number, or my bank account information, I don't even like putting out friend's real names. I've been pretty honest though, allowing uglier, more human and dare I say, sinful, parts of my pysche to show. But I don't really post anything controversial -- opinions that may differ from anyone else's, anything shocking. (What would Tom Cruise say about my depression medication while I was in Scotland?! *ha ha!*) Controversy is not my intent. [side track: In the UK they pronounce CON-tro-ver-sy as Con-TRA-ver-sy. Weird, huh? ] Do I want thought-provoking dialogue? ummmm... I don't think I want it necesarily in *my* blog, but I appreciate being able to observe it happening on other people's blogs.

Mike Cope's blog had over 80 comments on why Starbucks is ruling the world (May 18th entry). I joined in, because I like Starbucks, but I don't drink regular coffee there. I can drink coffee at home... I go to Starbucks because I can get things there that I can't create at home - atmosphere, memories, Caramel Cream Frappaccinos... I had just as much fun reading all the comments on his blog as I have fun reading his entries.

I just found another Pepperdine Pal -- via a comment from one of the blogs I'd happened onto, and his most recent post was how blogging hasn't become a comfortable place for him to be. He feels presumptous, among other things. I understand his perspective & have felt the same. I, on the other hand, don't think many people read what I write, I'm writing for me, mostly, sort of. I write because I've always written -- some kind of journal, some kind of commentary always mumbling through my thoughts on what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, what I'm doing it for and judging it. I also write because this is easier than writing a bunch of emails, and people who are interested can keep up with me, if they are so inclined. It also will help me when it comes to scrapbooking this year, to have dates and activities documented...

My underlying thought is, 'what if some of these (talented, gifted, spiritual) people (whom I admire) whom I've read, come to my blog and read it? What would they think?' And I have this internal dialogue that goes something like this:
Rational Healthy(?) Self: So what? You're an interesting, gifted, Godly woman who has contributed to the world around her in ways that are significant to those who know her and love her... it is okay to show people who you really are. If they don't like you, or your opinions, it is their issue, not yours.

Guilty People Pleasing Self: Whaddya mean so what? What if someone doesn't like me? That whole line about "that is their issue not yours" is so, so... worldly. So modern. So self-protecting and arrogant. Harsh. Unkind.

Healthy Self: (interrupts) So What? What is the worst thing that can happen if someone doesn't like you?

People Pleasing Self: Then I will be thought less of. Not enough. Not perfect. Un-charitable, un-Christian. And what if I don't have reasons to back my opinions up.... it is just easier to not put it out there.
You can see why I get confused... finding the balance between loving, gentle and kind, and also having a healthy self-esteem regarding someone who may have a difference of opinion from me... how to stand up for oneself, while turning the other cheek -- to have a healthy self worth without losing the disciple's path to be like Jesus.

But confusion is the devil's tool. Battling it takes focus. Solidity of thought. Unwavering belief and faith in the desired outcome. Knowing who to turn to when a question comes up, rather than floundering around hoping someone comes to give you a hand. Reminding yourself that you are a beloved Child of God. BELOVED! adored.

I guess JC didn't have a self-esteem problem because - duh! He knew he was (is)
A Beloved Child Of God.

That was a long way around to get to the purpose... and wasn't at all what I thought I intended to say, but methinks it needed to be thought through & said.

1 comment:

covertamerican said...

Some of us like reading your blog, lady. =D Some of us... like me. XXXX