Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Why Am I Still Up?

I'm tired... chorus was good, even though I sat around most of the night.

Gotta get on those ticket sales!

Met some friends at Starbucks afterwards, and that was much fun -- mmmmm bananas & cream Frappacino :D -- with a crumble coffeecake *drool*.

Found a friend of mine's blog tonight ~ I knew she was reading lots of blogs, but didn't know she had one -- so she's now a link on the side :waves to Vonnie:.

Yesterday I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill -- oh so righteous! Today I only did 16 minutes... but I'm doing the best I can at the moment, and I'm not beating myself up about it (miracle of miracles...).

I spent yesterday reading up on goal setting -- and something struck me that I probably have heard a zillion times, but you know that 'a-HA!' that comes when you finally really GET something... the quote I read was something like: "That which does not take you closer to your goal takes you in the opposite direction" -- well duh. Every time I make a decision, I need to consider in what direction will my efforts go -toward or against my objective. It hit me right, and I decided I am going to stop scrapping for my client, as my music goals are the ones I want to focus on, and scrapping for her is taking away the time I want to spend on developing the music. By this time next year I want to be working full time singing for the retirement communities. I have a financial number goal in my head, and I hope I'm in a position that will allow me to quit my 'structured' job.

The other thing I really never paid much attention to (probably due to youth... peering at 40 is helping me realize half of it - it being whatever it is - doesn't/won't matter) is that my values need to be in line with what I think my goal/objective is. This relates to me being the people pleaser and saying yes to something because someone else has said I'd be good at it, or because they can "really see you [me] doing that..." - making decisions based on what others think/feel/want has clouded my vision for myself.

Basically, I don't know what I want. I'm finally admitting that yes, I'm creative (ask me about my pantry shelves...), yes, I have a gift for singing that I still don't understand fully how my singing affects people. But if you dont' know what you want, well -- you've already got it. My vision for my life, even when viewed through the gifts and passions God has give me, has been cloudy. I'm not sure what I want for myself - so really thinking about what I value, what I want to give my time to, and what motivates me -- all of that is processing and I'm writing it out.

And I think, "It's not about me." -- and that really helped me focus on my music goals, and the gift that I can share with the senior audiences - what the seniors at my former job would say to me and about me -- and how much they've expressed their love for what they say I give them when I sing for them. I've been resisting it - fear of responsibility, fear of being forced to be persistent, of having to follow through, fear of committment. But I've been praying about what direction/path my life is supposed to take since I can't remember, and I believe God is showing me that through committing to music as my vocation and my career, I will develop the self-discipline and obedience that I've been lacking. I'm obeying.

Yes, I'm a later bloomer, always have been. It's taken me awhile to believe in myself. But every day I get closer.

Can we say, "God Is An Awesome God!!" ?

1 comment:

yerdoingitwrong said...

um, a banana and cream frappaccino?????? I MUST find me one of those. YUM!