Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I don't have to be superwoman

You know when you have that quiet moment of a-ha!?!

In what my world is - we are raised with (silent) expectations of our parents... of what our life should be.

I understood in my gut this afternoon that I don't have to live the same life as my mother. My house doesn't have to be ready for an impromptu gathering within 15 minutes (as much as I think that is awesome, and completely admire people who can live like that...). I don't have to put my sheets and towels in the linen closet if I don't think that is the best place for them (not that this was a big obstacle). I just have to love my mother. And myself. And she is what she is.

This carried over to himself today -- my churlish, angry, inner bratty child stamps her little foot and demands everyone but her do better. I wish I could adequately describe just how small minded and selfish she is. I'm not sure why she is such a rebellious little soul -- I must have really felt 'put upon' and corralled and stymied in what I could and couldn't do. I used to joke about not having a childhood, but perhaps there is more truth to that than I have given.

Back to the point -
Bratty Me - "Why can't he throw away this stuff on the entry table??!!!"

Adult Me - "Why haven't you thrown away YOUR junk mail, newspapers and put away the posters advertising the chorus show?"

Bratty Me - "I'm in the middle of a project... and HIS projects are half finished lying all over the house... with all the tools still out... you can't see the top of the tv entertainment unit because of all HIS crap *stamp stamp* !!!!!"

Adult Me - "Yes, you have a point (have to validate her a wee bit)... but since when did two wrongs make a right?"

Bratty Me - sulk sulk, folds arms, bottom lip out so far a bird is gonna build a nest....

Adult Me - looks at entry table, picks up most of the junk mail for him, picks up MY junk mail and it makes it into the trash.

A wise friend told me a few weeks ago that it sounds like I struggle with private integrity and maturity. I'm still revelling in the fact that I don't have a set bed time! That I can stay up as late as I want!! That I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to!

Discipline is doing what you know you need to, even if you don't want to.

Very much relates to Godly Obedience. There is freedom in knowing the rules by which you live. So many "decisions" are already made for you. I do well with less choice (this is why I am a mostly Creative Memories scrapper -- my creativity is made more by working with less).

:break: you should see the amount of blood the mosquito I just smashed spilled... MY Blood!!! *muttering expletives* gnats.... flying biting bugs....!!!!!
:end break:

Yesterday I got up at 6:30 am - walked on the treadmill for 11 minutes, and started doing laundry. Morning is my time for chores -- I don't want to do anything at night besides watch tv, scrap, hang with himself, maybe a few dishes, and tons 'o computer time! I got to work and it was a fabulous day, because I knew I'd done my 'responsibilities.' Wednesday is my not-getting-up-any-earlier-day because I start work at 8:30 (as opposed to 10am). I felt worse today, but tomorrow I'm getting up early and walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes.

If my brother reads this -- know that I have no pride, and would have gladly accepted money from you to help me get to OKC this next time. And I'm not ashamed of having no pride with siblings... father is another matter...

That comment comes from a conversation I had earlier with my sister ~ who told me she and my niece are flying out a few days before said brother's wedding, going to San Diego Zoo, Sea World, and then after the wedding, they're going to Disneyland with dad and T. I was bummed I wasn't told about this earlier!! October's a busy month for me, but I would have done Sea World... :-(

And I called her to see what family stuff we might be doing around the wedding because I need to go pick up the mic stand I left in my Ontario hotel room back in August... my awesome friend went and picked it up from the hotel for me, and they only live a few minutes from where the wedding will be... have to find the invite....

now I'm just kind of rambling.

How does one simplify?!

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