Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Another one of these days

It's one of those days. Why do some days feel full of energy - robustness of life - I can conquer it all... and then a day like today, where everything is futile, not worth bothering. I'm at a fabulous point in my life, where opportunities are opening at every turn. I'm making friends. I'm pursuing dreams. Is is just hormonal? Do I watch too much tv? (inner voice is screaming YES!!) Is lack of direction for the day due to lack of planning? (inner voice screaming YES!!) How come I keep failing at creating a month of menus and a shopping list to go with it? From coming up with 20 dinners, to creating the shopping list for them, to budgeting and looking at the weekly specials and then following the plan. This is too much for me. I'm too easily distracted. I don't multi-task well. One project at a time, please.

Lack of follow-through.

Didn't I learn this about myself from my last job? um.... yes. bummer. And if I admit I suck at follow through, doesn't that just reinforce that negative idea? [this circular argument my dad eloquently calls a mindf**k, which I think is extremely insightful and an accurate description!] I keep thinking that if I would just stick to the plan (whatever the plan is), play within the playground, don't digress on tangents, then my life would be smoother. Do I want smoother? (Inner voice is screaming volumes by being eerily silent). I want a housekeeper to do the dishes and floors. That would relieve a lot of my daily guilt, because my mother's voice would be silenced (sorry mom ;-).

Ahhhh guilt. For lack of follow through. It stymies activity and I become frozen and locked in ineffectual-ness. Writing it out helps. And it is faster to write in the blog than my journal... uh oh... might actually get a little personal and revealing, heaven forbid.

There are days I'm okay with not being effective and productive, but they're coming too many in a row.

I love inspirational quotes ~ I bookmark those websites, I write them as signatures on my emails, I write them in my weekly calendar/diary... yet I don't seem to change because of them, I just feel worse for not living my life like an inspirational quote, I guess. ack.

1 comment:

RSHUFFINES said...

DITTO!

ahem....

It has been years since we were close in proximity; it is only moments since we have been close in frame of mind.

Reading your blog reminds me of why I love you so much -- when I look at you I see a reflection which reminds me of me...(not exactly the same -- but similar) and I am immediately comforted by the fact that I am not the only one who is like. . . me.