Self Discipline

Or rather ~ lack of it.

I will get the Christmas tree down tonight if I'm up until 2am.

I WILL get the Christmas tree decorations OFF the tree, into boxes & packed away (to go into storage) TONIGHT after chorus.

I will. I will. I will.
I must. *whimper*

It is embarrassing. But I know someone else (not naming names here) who has their tree up still, too. They at least have the decorations off and are working on getting the lights off.

Why can't I keep agreements with myself?

I need a friend to meet me at Curves, for the external motivation of not letting someone else down is so strong in me that I'm more likely to go. How come I'm not that important to myself?!?!?

I try to put up motivational signs ~ on my wall in front of the computer, where I look every single day is a note, "One Project At A Time" -- because I start a dozen things and don't finish one thing before starting another, and chaos ensues. All surfaces are covered with stuff. Then I get extreme and throw things away... I try to set a schedule, I even let myself off with "you can do anything in 15 minutes" ~ therefore I don't have to spend the whole day cleaning or doing something I don't want to be doing at the time. So why is why the freaking tree is still up? Because I hate taking down the Christmas Tree. I hate for anyone else to take it down, either... I'm particular about how the stuff is packed, want it to be organized to put it up next year... Because I haven't wanted to take the time - all maybe -- MAYBE -- 2 hours that it may take.

Yet -- [long pause] -- what am I trying to say. I do like a lot of the chaos. I must. I keep choosing it.

To me, routine & self-discipline are related. I lack both.

I'm so "ALL or NOTHING" in my mindset (perfectionist tendencies, even though I cognizantly know better... perfection being the elusive desert mirage), that starting small seems so insignificant. Like starting with: Just for today I will spend 2 blocks of time of 15 minutes each putting things away.

and:

Just for today I will spend 30 minutes improving my health.

So easy to type.

Would anyone like to meet me at Curves and hold me accountable - Kolb & 22nd street? Anyone... Anyone... Bueller?

If you don't understand instruction manuals...

then you are to blame my mother. This is a theory according my husband. My mother was a technical writer for IBM for many many years ~ and her job was to translate what the engineers said into English for 'regular' people to read. His thinking is that from her manuals, other instruction manual writers based their outlines and their own instruction manuals, therefore, the path of blame, when you cannot understand instructions (they are convoluted, or you know, when you read the same sentence a dozen times and it still doesn't make sense...), then you should blame my mom.

I find this hysterical.

This came up again because Sunday I was asking Himself for help with my Cakewalk - Sonar Home Studio v. 4 program. I'd installed it and wanted to go through the tutorials but nothing would play because this pop up kept coming up saying I hadn't chosen a MIDI outlet, I'd click "Yes, choose midi outlet" and it would take me to a page where I'd click the only option, and the cycle would start again.

The instruction booklet wasn't much more help. To me, you have to have a basic understanding of a program and what it does before you can really use the instruction manual ~ because that is the way the instruction manuals are written. (This is when blame my mom came up) And there is a very helpful 'home studio' / 'recording at home' site with a great message board, very very helpful people etc... but you kinda need to know enough to ask specific questions, and you hopefully have enough information to understand the answers given.

We did figure out how to do what I want ~ which is: I'm now technologically at a place where I can sing along with a backtrack, record myself, and then create a CD -- so yes, I'm looking at recording a Demo CD for my traveling cabaret show for retirement centers. Wow. Now I have to really create a show. *very exciting!!*

The other thing I want to look at is creating my own learning tapes for quartet & chorus -- singing 4 parts and harmonizing with myself. How cool is that? I'm wondering if there is a way to record the bass in my own range and then change the key.... hmmmmm . While this is a goal of mine, there is no way I could do what TimsTracks does. OMG!! This guy is amazing... listen to his samples... it is all him, and some screaming overtones - for a Learning Track!

So where have I been?
Well, Friday night I went to a chorus members house who is also a Creative Memories consultant, and met some new people -- very nice gals -- yay!! Then drove to mom's with the Intuit software they wanted... then Saturday had the opportunity to observe a voice lesson with Charla Esser, the tenor of Rumors Quartet (1998 Queens of Harmony, SAI). She is awesome. The lesson was with the bass of my quartet, who is seriously pursuing musical excellence in herself - a sponge for better vocalizing information. There were some beautiful sounds being created in the lesson. I forgot I had wanted to be back in Tucson to go to Sonora Bay restaurant to hear Dayle Ann's quartet, Sparx at a fundraiser. They sang from 6 to 9 pm and were to received a percentage of profits from the meals between that time. Rats. I did have a fun day with Carol, though.

Sunday was no exception to the forgetting... I was supposed to go to pal Marie's Party Lite evening... and I love their stuff and really was looking forward to going ~ it was to start at 5pm. I was on the computer all day doing music stuff off and on, and at 6:30 remembered... and 3 minutes later the phone rang... geez... I felt so bad!!!

I'm really just caught up in barbershop at the moment, and everything else is kind of getting left behind. Need to dial back a little and find a better balance... not to be all or nothing.

Gratitude

5 Things to be grateful for:

My amazing husband who loves me despite myself.

The God-given gift of music and song... He gave me talent & a desire to do more

I got stuff accomplished today.

I made plans for Himself's birthday -- shhhhhhh... a surprise!

TiVo. I'm an addict.

:-)

no ZZZZZZ's...!!!

I'm sleepy this morning ~ went to bed at 12:30 midnight, got to sleep at 1:30 am and got up when he left for work ~ at 7:15 am. Fixed Grits (yay!) & coffee... had my water & vitamins and am even showered & dressed (all this by 8:30 am - amazing for me!).

I made my list of things to do today... and am fighting the urge to go back to sleep!

no.
no.
no.
no.

I couldn't go to sleep if I were "at work" now, could I?!?!? *NO*

Okay ~ If I get 1/2 of my list done (there are 12 things on it) then I can take a 20 minute snooze... how is that for making a deal with myself?

Today is my niece in Scotland's 18th birthday -- we've been a bit lame and not sent her anything in time - though he said he gave each of the girls money before he left, saying it was for birthdays etc... but 18 is significant ~ though in the UK it seems like the legal drinking age is 16... and I don't know about voting. So now I gotta email my sister in law and say we're lame, but there will be something coming, I think he is going to write her a check and we'll send it in a card. She's at Uni, and as I recall, money was always my gift of choice! ;-)

Off to cross of my list!

Today - Jan 24

Going to crop today ~ My plan is to get my own Christmas 2005 done -- then at least *Christmases* 2002 - 2005 will be done...

I've discovered that I seem to not feel as unproductive with my day if I can at least be in the shower by 8am... then if I need to go out I'm prepared, if I need to be out early-ish (before 11 am is early for us!) I can be prepared, but getting up at 7am isn't too bad.

I went to Curves yesterday! Yay for me!! *wild applause* Now, just to stay well and healthy!

Tonight is chorus night, and I never did get back to practicing "Sweet Georgia Brown" for chorus ~ and when I told himself about my 'shut the window' incident he was quite indignant for me -- then found out I was singing the same phrase over and over, and he kinda understood where the outside voice was coming from -- and so do I. There's a small group performance on Friday, so we'll be getting together before rehearsal tonight - super early, it seems -- and there are front row auditions going on, too.

I'm just kind of 'typing out loud' my day ~ since I don't have real deep thoughts before 11am... :-)

Talked to himself about joining weight watchers -- we'll wait for his next paycheck to join - I like the fact you can eat anything you want, you just have to count it toward your points. Food isn't the enemy, and the 'good food - bad food' thing really turns me off and creates a rebellious she-devil -- "No one's gonna tell ME I can't have a donut!" and a dozen donuts gone. vanished. Like they never existed. I have the starter booklet that tells you how many points you get per day by how much you weigh, and one of the leaders of a meeting I went to in the summer of '04 (that is weird to think I've been back that long) talked about starting your 24-hours in the evening... you still get the same amount of points, but your starting point becomes when you eat dinner, rather than in the mornings. I found that very helpful -- and eating breakfast & lunch can pretty easily be low-points. (no pun intended...?!)

The challenge for him will be to get in enough vegetables. Iceburg lettuce isn't going to cut it. We like opposite vegetables - he loves mushrooms, cooked carrots, green peppers -- doesn't go in much for broccoli (I love broccoli) or zucchini (aka courgette) - though he did eat the 4 slices I put on his plate last night :-) Somehow I hope I can hide veggies in some foods so that he gets the nutrients without necessarily tasting them.

So, before we join, I'm trying to put together 10 meal ideas/shopping lists/ snacks & lunches so I can put together a regular shopping list.

And it is now 8:05am - time to get my day started.

It is time to move!

:-) I've been doing my music today... some quartet this morning, some practicing of my chorus music just in the last 10 minutes ~ it is warm on the West side of the house, where my music/craft room is, so my window is 1/4 the way open ~ and once I was not singing long enough I heard someone yell out "Sshhhhh -- Shut Your Window!"

Hrmph!

I've often thought how much I'm heard ~~ and here at 5pm on Monday afternoon apparently I've been heard quite a lot!

Need a house, man.

Tea Bag Philosophy

I made my cup of wussy Green Chai Tea this morning. I love this stuff, but the caffeine rush -- well, I missed it during my morning nap if there was one (a rush). Give me coffee first, please, then give me the green healthy-for-you stuff. Anyway, on the Tea Bag paper there was this quote - "The one who rotates the earth for you takes care of your routine." (The brand of tea is "Yogi Tea" - so that speaks volumes right there...)

Okay, so yesterday I was whining about feeling bad because I have no routine and on one level wished my life was smoother. (Yesterday was a low day, though I did perk up a bit after writing the blog, took a shower and actually left the house. I also went to chorus, which is always invigorating. But again, I digress.)

Then I wake up to this quote, which made me feel, "Whew! being without routine is okay," according to Yogi Green Chai Tea bag.

I tend to be an extremely intuitive person. My gut hasn't been wrong very often when sizing up someone I meet for the first time - I know immediately if this is someone with whom I will trust and open up with, and if I don't feel that, it isn't that I don't like the person, it is just that the person will be on my permanent 'alert'. By intuitive, I am also constantly asking God to show me the way, give me sign, shout out his answer to whatever my question du jour is. So things tend to be "signs" ~ and this is directly related to the lack of follow through.

Yet, I like the fact that I'm flexible and can shift gears so easily and try different things. This is one thing about myself that I feel positive about ~ and since I'm constantly working to have more "I Like This About Myself" moments and traits, I'm not going to mess around with it.

I wish I could tie it all up like a tidy package. Ah, but we are not built like that. The minute one issue/problem/challenge is solved, we're off to fix something else... a constant state of trying to wrap the package neatly, but all the tools are scattered around and on the table, and not handy for a quick wrap.

So... and this is perhaps why I take so long to make certain decisions (not like moving to Scotland, which was a no-brainer for me)... I'm trying to balance the intuitive/touchy-feely/allow the miracle to happen/have faith (tea bag wisdom) VS. stay on the path/don't stray/keep focused (traditional wisdom, though I use wisdom here only because I can't think of a better word).

Another one of these days

It's one of those days. Why do some days feel full of energy - robustness of life - I can conquer it all... and then a day like today, where everything is futile, not worth bothering. I'm at a fabulous point in my life, where opportunities are opening at every turn. I'm making friends. I'm pursuing dreams. Is is just hormonal? Do I watch too much tv? (inner voice is screaming YES!!) Is lack of direction for the day due to lack of planning? (inner voice screaming YES!!) How come I keep failing at creating a month of menus and a shopping list to go with it? From coming up with 20 dinners, to creating the shopping list for them, to budgeting and looking at the weekly specials and then following the plan. This is too much for me. I'm too easily distracted. I don't multi-task well. One project at a time, please.

Lack of follow-through.

Didn't I learn this about myself from my last job? um.... yes. bummer. And if I admit I suck at follow through, doesn't that just reinforce that negative idea? [this circular argument my dad eloquently calls a mindf**k, which I think is extremely insightful and an accurate description!] I keep thinking that if I would just stick to the plan (whatever the plan is), play within the playground, don't digress on tangents, then my life would be smoother. Do I want smoother? (Inner voice is screaming volumes by being eerily silent). I want a housekeeper to do the dishes and floors. That would relieve a lot of my daily guilt, because my mother's voice would be silenced (sorry mom ;-).

Ahhhh guilt. For lack of follow through. It stymies activity and I become frozen and locked in ineffectual-ness. Writing it out helps. And it is faster to write in the blog than my journal... uh oh... might actually get a little personal and revealing, heaven forbid.

There are days I'm okay with not being effective and productive, but they're coming too many in a row.

I love inspirational quotes ~ I bookmark those websites, I write them as signatures on my emails, I write them in my weekly calendar/diary... yet I don't seem to change because of them, I just feel worse for not living my life like an inspirational quote, I guess. ack.

Being Thankful For Health

I still have some ear issues, but my voice is back, and my headaches are gone. What a difference when we're healthy. I still have lots of stuff to do, but at least I feel better now!!

I drove with my friend Carol (also the bass of my quartet, Hearts Afire) to San Diego on Wednesday for my Thursday voice lesson with Kim Hulbert... she of 3 International Quartet Crowns -- High Society, Savvy & A Cappella Gold. Kim is my "vocal hero" ~ and she also is a very entertaining, funny & extremely knowledgeable and talented woman. Having some one-on-one time with her was fabulous. She opened my eyes as to why "Lullabye In Ragtime" hurts when I'm done... trying to sing with my soft palette as the primary resonating space, at the same time closing down trying to force the barbershop forward sound and 'muscle-ing' the sound makes for tense vocal production... WRONG! She went over percentages of what notes to sing in what percentage of head voice vs chest voice ~ and explained to me in a way that I understood, the difference in head voice in barbershop vs head voice in 'classical' or 'legitimate' singing (i.e., the opera style most vocal performance majors learn in college!).

The difference is where the sound resonates. Yes, I've heard that before, and had it told to me before... but in this situation, with Kim there to answer my questions, in this context, the light bulb went off... whoo HOOOO!!!

So... just that much information makes the drive and the time and money worth it, but she also went through our new uptune and gave me some ideas, and discouraged us from taking our ballad to contest -- which I'm super bummed about, but yes, it is the song that everyone is singing right now... and finding another ballad that we can make our own is a better idea.

Carol and I had a great time on the drive ~ listening to my friend Marie Barlow's CD and then telling "ghost" stories... weird or freaky things that we've personally experienced or trusted friends have experienced... that was fun!

I got back at 2am on Friday morning ~ and spent yesterday inputting the new chorus uptune into Noteworthy Composer. I tried to do some research on the song, "Sweet Georgia Brown" but only confirmed that yes, it is a song about a prostitute. It is a new uptune for Tucson Desert Harmony Chorus, so I've been spending time with the rhythm and words, as I plan to have it memorized by the end of January.

Himself and I rented two movies last night - "March of the Penguins" and "The 40-year Old Virgin" -- we watched the Penguins last night and it was very very cool. Amazing what nature is capable of... and when we think we have it hard... we don't have to walk 70 miles every 2 to 3 months to regurgitate food for our young. On icy water. In -75 degree temps. And when we're not walking sit among our own waste. We'll watch the other one tonight.

After sending out notices to friends about this blog, I've heard from a number of folks I've not heard from in awhile... and even received some photos... so thank you friends!!! :-)

Friday Jan 6th

Feeling better, but my ear is still swishing and popping... if it isn't better by tomorrow I'll be making an appointment with the ear doctor. Re-arranged quartet rehearsal from this weekend to Tuesday, and driving to San Diego for a voice lesson on Wednesday ~ so excited!

Kim Hulbert is my vocal "hero" in the barbershop world - and it has been so long since I had any kind of lesson at all (I'm ashamed to admit), that I'm really looking forward to the day.

My head isn't pounding as much today -- but still feel pretty crappy -- I'm still on my Chicken Noodle Soup kick ~ it really has been all I've eaten for the last couple of days.

Wednesday night has been designated "catch up on movies we want to see" night ~ himself and I will either rent a couple DVDs and order pizza, or go out to the cheap theatre and have dinner out - we figure that isn't too extravagant, seeing as watching movies and eating are the two biggest things we have in common *big grin*.

So Wednesday he came home with "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and "Wedding Crashers" ~ we watched "Smith" on Wednesday, and it was well done - fast moving, good looking, some smart dialogue... but so much more could have been done with the premise -- maybe taking out a few of the shoot 'em up scenes... but it was entertaining. And Brad Pitt. Need I say more. Of course, I've had my eye on him since 'Thelma & Louise' so I always feel a bit territorial *ha!*

Last night we watched "The Wedding Crashers" ~ and we watched the version that wasn't released in the theaters - probably because of the 'falling on the bed boob shots', but I also think the movie slowed *way* down in the middle, and I'm hoping some of that was cut out too... better movie than I thought it would be, which still isn't high on my ratings list - but Christopher Walken is always great to watch, as is Jane Seymour (though on a personal level I know more than I should and don't like her as a person). Vince Vaughn (who I just realized was in both movies we rented) is pretty cool, too. Again, entertaining.

My soup's done now.

15 Minutes

Well ~ my apartment is a little cleaner... mom came over today. How sad am I that the only strong enough motivation for me to clear clutter and clean countertops, empty himself's ashtray and mop the floor is people coming over. I even vacuumed (sp?)!! I do, however, clean my bathroom regularly. Aren't you glad?!

I'm so externally motivated. I don't keep my word to myself, but much more likely to keep my word to someone else. It is all about appearances, it seems.

Still sick, and my right ear is back to being clogged, only this time it is sloshing around and popping. gross.

The Big Exciting Opportunity (BEO) is looking to take off... don't want to put anything on the 'net about it, but have talked to people who have given me some fabulous ideas, and will talk to HER next week. (isn't it fun reading a mystery? I promise all will be revealed when it is time... if you call me I *might* tell you!)

15 minutes... I did my 15 minutes + of housework today... still a long way to go...

Being Sick Sucks

Dang Flu -- head aches, I can breathe but still very stuff head, sore throat. Blech.

Watched my DVD, "Connie & Carla" yesterday ~ definitely has its moments... but glad Brian wasn't here, he would have hated it.

Eating lots of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup ~ haven't had it in years and it is awesome!! :-)

On the plus side, I have blown my nose hard enough that my blocked right ear has become unblocked.

wah for me!

Whining Thoughts

Maybe instead of trying to change myself in 2006, I should commit to keeping myself ...

I resolve to keep trying.

• To keep trying to keep my house from becoming the black hole of clutter
• To keep trying to keep in touch with people I care about

I resolve to be okay with who I am.

One of the things the world wants to change, or at least I feel pressured to try and keep changing is to make me a morning person.

I am a night owl. I have tried many many MANY times to try to change this inner clock within me, and get up in the morning and 'be all productive' -- and I end up taking a nap in the afternoon and staying up late anyway... I want to stand up for my preferences a little more this year (i.e., "meeting at 9 am is a little early for me, I need to make it 10:30.")

The only thing I want to change is to include exercise as much a part of my life as brushing my teeth. The problem is, I really don't enjoy it. Sure I feel better afterwards, who doesn't(!!)? When I remember that I'm doing it to "get my breath back" in order to sing better, that is really the only thing that helps me get my butt off the chair and off to the treadmill or to Curves.

All the magazines and advice columns say 'find something you enjoy' ~ hrmph. I enjoy so very little in the active world. Swimming was pretty awesome summer before last at Rosalies (thanks Rosalie), but it involved getting up early in the morning (BLECH!!). yeah yeah yeah - excuse excuse excuse... As Nike so eloquently says, "Just DO it!" I didn't mean for this to be a big whine.

My other 'resolution' is to get pages done. Done for me, Done for my client, Done Done Done.