Why Am I Still Up?

I'm tired... chorus was good, even though I sat around most of the night.

Gotta get on those ticket sales!

Met some friends at Starbucks afterwards, and that was much fun -- mmmmm bananas & cream Frappacino :D -- with a crumble coffeecake *drool*.

Found a friend of mine's blog tonight ~ I knew she was reading lots of blogs, but didn't know she had one -- so she's now a link on the side :waves to Vonnie:.

Yesterday I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill -- oh so righteous! Today I only did 16 minutes... but I'm doing the best I can at the moment, and I'm not beating myself up about it (miracle of miracles...).

I spent yesterday reading up on goal setting -- and something struck me that I probably have heard a zillion times, but you know that 'a-HA!' that comes when you finally really GET something... the quote I read was something like: "That which does not take you closer to your goal takes you in the opposite direction" -- well duh. Every time I make a decision, I need to consider in what direction will my efforts go -toward or against my objective. It hit me right, and I decided I am going to stop scrapping for my client, as my music goals are the ones I want to focus on, and scrapping for her is taking away the time I want to spend on developing the music. By this time next year I want to be working full time singing for the retirement communities. I have a financial number goal in my head, and I hope I'm in a position that will allow me to quit my 'structured' job.

The other thing I really never paid much attention to (probably due to youth... peering at 40 is helping me realize half of it - it being whatever it is - doesn't/won't matter) is that my values need to be in line with what I think my goal/objective is. This relates to me being the people pleaser and saying yes to something because someone else has said I'd be good at it, or because they can "really see you [me] doing that..." - making decisions based on what others think/feel/want has clouded my vision for myself.

Basically, I don't know what I want. I'm finally admitting that yes, I'm creative (ask me about my pantry shelves...), yes, I have a gift for singing that I still don't understand fully how my singing affects people. But if you dont' know what you want, well -- you've already got it. My vision for my life, even when viewed through the gifts and passions God has give me, has been cloudy. I'm not sure what I want for myself - so really thinking about what I value, what I want to give my time to, and what motivates me -- all of that is processing and I'm writing it out.

And I think, "It's not about me." -- and that really helped me focus on my music goals, and the gift that I can share with the senior audiences - what the seniors at my former job would say to me and about me -- and how much they've expressed their love for what they say I give them when I sing for them. I've been resisting it - fear of responsibility, fear of being forced to be persistent, of having to follow through, fear of committment. But I've been praying about what direction/path my life is supposed to take since I can't remember, and I believe God is showing me that through committing to music as my vocation and my career, I will develop the self-discipline and obedience that I've been lacking. I'm obeying.

Yes, I'm a later bloomer, always have been. It's taken me awhile to believe in myself. But every day I get closer.

Can we say, "God Is An Awesome God!!" ?

I liked this enough to post it

I got this in an email ~ thought there were some things worth sharing. I don't know where the part credited to Ben Stein stops... I edited some bits at the end that induces guilt by implying I'm not a good Christian if I don't forward emails like this as easily as I forward email jokes. For the record - I never send anything to everyone in my email address book.

I always try take out the 'send this to 8 people in 8 minutes or else' crap at the bottom of sentiments I like and want to pass on. It is like sales ~ don't sell to me ~ if I want it, I'll buy it -- or I'll ask more questions to gather more information to see if I want it. If the email is something I want to share, I'll share it. If it ain't, I'm not gonna pass it on. Nor do I return emails asking for it to be returned to the sender (except for the 'getting to know you' emails, I like those when I have time :D ). *why?!* Why send them something you know they already have? :rolling my eyes!:

But I digress.

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary


Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don' t feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.

But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about and we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

P.S.

I walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes this morning.

Yay!

But I didn't do any housework -- well, I ran the dishwasher, but haven't unloaded it yet.

I watched my TiVo's "Grey's Anatomy" and "Ghost Whisperer" and an old "CSI Miami" -- and I've scrapped 3 pages - in the middle of 2 more, and will get 10 today!!

Not bad.

Chapter is closed

I unsubbed from American Expats.

My pal 'Mater called me from Scotland and filled me in on as much as she knew (which, I have to say wasn't a whole lot :laugh:), and I was just going there and wasting time... but I will miss some of the people I "knew" virtually. [And to be clear, she called out of guilt, because she was supposed to call me when she was stateside and didn't... so I left her a guilt-inducing comment on her blog... :hee hee: RESULT!] And really, when she told me she unsubbed, she was the only one I was keeping in touch with, my other pals have been long gone. And she said that Meta unsubbed, and that Saucywitch was about to unsub... well... it looks like it is a mass exodus, and when the page came up that I was supposed to pay to resubscribe, I just said no.

Last night himself said that in our 8 years of marriage, this is the most settled he's felt. He said he's happy to retire from Intuit and live here forever -- not sure if I want to live in Arizona forever... but no plans to move, and lots of things to keep us here. He's happy. He's content. Which makes me happy :D !!

Got my Sweet Adeline Int'l Convention "Keepin' Score" booklet -- it is VERY cool! It is self-described as "the definitive competition guide for Stat Rats, Armchair Judges, Trivia Nuts & Costume Doodlers!" International in Las Vegas is only a couple weeks away... better get back to scrappin!

I don't have to be superwoman

You know when you have that quiet moment of a-ha!?!

In what my world is - we are raised with (silent) expectations of our parents... of what our life should be.

I understood in my gut this afternoon that I don't have to live the same life as my mother. My house doesn't have to be ready for an impromptu gathering within 15 minutes (as much as I think that is awesome, and completely admire people who can live like that...). I don't have to put my sheets and towels in the linen closet if I don't think that is the best place for them (not that this was a big obstacle). I just have to love my mother. And myself. And she is what she is.

This carried over to himself today -- my churlish, angry, inner bratty child stamps her little foot and demands everyone but her do better. I wish I could adequately describe just how small minded and selfish she is. I'm not sure why she is such a rebellious little soul -- I must have really felt 'put upon' and corralled and stymied in what I could and couldn't do. I used to joke about not having a childhood, but perhaps there is more truth to that than I have given.

Back to the point -
Bratty Me - "Why can't he throw away this stuff on the entry table??!!!"

Adult Me - "Why haven't you thrown away YOUR junk mail, newspapers and put away the posters advertising the chorus show?"

Bratty Me - "I'm in the middle of a project... and HIS projects are half finished lying all over the house... with all the tools still out... you can't see the top of the tv entertainment unit because of all HIS crap *stamp stamp* !!!!!"

Adult Me - "Yes, you have a point (have to validate her a wee bit)... but since when did two wrongs make a right?"

Bratty Me - sulk sulk, folds arms, bottom lip out so far a bird is gonna build a nest....

Adult Me - looks at entry table, picks up most of the junk mail for him, picks up MY junk mail and it makes it into the trash.

A wise friend told me a few weeks ago that it sounds like I struggle with private integrity and maturity. I'm still revelling in the fact that I don't have a set bed time! That I can stay up as late as I want!! That I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to!

Discipline is doing what you know you need to, even if you don't want to.

Very much relates to Godly Obedience. There is freedom in knowing the rules by which you live. So many "decisions" are already made for you. I do well with less choice (this is why I am a mostly Creative Memories scrapper -- my creativity is made more by working with less).

:break: you should see the amount of blood the mosquito I just smashed spilled... MY Blood!!! *muttering expletives* gnats.... flying biting bugs....!!!!!
:end break:

Yesterday I got up at 6:30 am - walked on the treadmill for 11 minutes, and started doing laundry. Morning is my time for chores -- I don't want to do anything at night besides watch tv, scrap, hang with himself, maybe a few dishes, and tons 'o computer time! I got to work and it was a fabulous day, because I knew I'd done my 'responsibilities.' Wednesday is my not-getting-up-any-earlier-day because I start work at 8:30 (as opposed to 10am). I felt worse today, but tomorrow I'm getting up early and walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes.

If my brother reads this -- know that I have no pride, and would have gladly accepted money from you to help me get to OKC this next time. And I'm not ashamed of having no pride with siblings... father is another matter...

That comment comes from a conversation I had earlier with my sister ~ who told me she and my niece are flying out a few days before said brother's wedding, going to San Diego Zoo, Sea World, and then after the wedding, they're going to Disneyland with dad and T. I was bummed I wasn't told about this earlier!! October's a busy month for me, but I would have done Sea World... :-(

And I called her to see what family stuff we might be doing around the wedding because I need to go pick up the mic stand I left in my Ontario hotel room back in August... my awesome friend went and picked it up from the hotel for me, and they only live a few minutes from where the wedding will be... have to find the invite....

now I'm just kind of rambling.

How does one simplify?!

only 7% of quiz takers were this...

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

It Is What It Is

That is my new philosophy.

The other one I like is asking myself the question,
"Who would I be if I didn't believe that to be true?" That being whatever negative & defeating thought currently going through my head.

Himself is at Loew's, buying the necessary (and probably unneccessary) bits and bobs of hardware to finish creating a theatre type atmosphere in our living room... We found Halloween Lights - rope lights that are lavender, to put up and around... so it will interesting what it eventually looks like. This is what it looks like now...




Last weekend I don't think himself even got dressed --




I taught a craft class, which of course I'd procrastinated on, but it went really well -- and was fun, as usual, working with the seniors at Fellowship Square.




I finished the big special project, but can't publish anything yet, because the event hasn't taken place yet.

I've been going absolutely stark raving mad with the tiny gnats flying around. Because of all the rain we had, we've also been infested with Mosquitos --- ARGHGHGGHGHHHHH.

I went to chorus for the first time in at least a month last Tuesday - we ran the second half of the show, which is the half I'll be in -- still have 3 songs I need to learn. *sigh*

I received some really nice feedback from one of the show committee chairwomen, she said that what I've done with getting groups (seniors) to come to the show has been the best result they've ever had. I'm all about recognition, so that was cool... yet inner committee comes back with "yeah, just think of what you could have done had you really spent more time on it -- it could have been so much better/ so many more!! Loser." So I try to counter with, "It is what it is, and I have done the best I can for the moment... and it is better than nothing, and better than we've ever done before!!" plthplthlphtlsplths (that's the official spelling of a raspberry...)!!!

And this is despite me having to give up half of what I'd been asked to do.

I made some AWESOME crockpot lasagne this week -- I tend to be even more lazy (hard to imagine) when it comes to cooking in the slow cooker... so browning meat before putting it in the crock is time intensive for me, but oh how worth it! And you don't cook the noodles (how much easier is that!!!) *darn gnats* -- cream cheese, sour cream.... himself loved it too - he hasn't really taken to the American Italian sauces that aren't cream sauce -- too sharp for his tastes, so this creamy tomato sauce was right up his ally.

Himself was going through some funky stuff at work, but it seems to have cleared up - he is going to be in the systems area of Le Cert software help desk, so that makes him a happy chappy!

And ~ we've decided we want to get a dog ~ probably from the pound or humane society... a dog that has been housebroken at least... we dog sat for mom & Larry for 10 days -- and we miss not being greeted with such enthusiasm at the door ;-)

turning a corner

It is amazing how your life looks different when you get your perspective in order.

Just getting outside yourself for a minute ... and it isn't like we don't *know* that ~ yet it isn't me who gets me out of the dark spiral.

God is an Awesome God!

September 11th - where were you?

5 years.

5 years ago today it was a sunny (yet still wet) day in the central belt of Scotland, and I was happy because we got out of college early and I was going to be able to get home to watch one of my favorite UK shows, "Watercolour Challenge" -- I came in the house, turned on the kettle and fixed myself a cup of tea and I think a sandwich of some kind... sat in the recliner, put my feet up and turned on the tv -- and when I turned on the telly it took me awhile to figure out what they were talking about.

I sat there, so far away in another country -- numb. It takes me awhile to understand my own emotions, and it wasn't until my good friend Wendy called me and asked if I was watching tv, and that she and her mum, Norma were on their way, that I started to cry. They stayed with me until himself got home. It was a cry of unbelief, to watch people jumping from windows to escape a fiery death. To hear about the plane crashes, and the thwarted but still fatal flight of United Airlines Flight 93 over Pennsylvania. To hear reports of people who were above the twin towers crash point, calling loved ones and having to leave messages.

I can't imagine being on the receiving end of getting home, knowing what is happening, picking up my voice mail, or seeing a flashing light indicating a message is waiting.... and hearing my loved one's voice. Incomprehensible for me. Oh God, the pain.

I wrote a list of thoughts & emotions from that day - it took me more than a week to reach out to friends who worked at the SWRO American Airlines reservations call center. To talk to any loved ones -- I felt removed, not everyone in the country I was living in was flying American Flags... but the British lost countrymen and women in the tragedy, and they were sympathetic and demonstrated their outrage and sadness. And a few British television personalities / reporters were callous enough to say that the Brits had been dealing with terrorism for years, essentially implying that we (Americans) needed to just get on with it... that we'd joined the rest of the world and that we were no longer untouched or unreachable from the fingers of terrorists.

Our young little country had quickly lost something.

We can never go back.

And now we can't have liquids (that we've brought ourselves) aboard an airplane. We wear slip-on shoes. Travel stopped being fun a long time ago, but now it is worse than a hassle. It is invasive. It is intrusive. It is a torment.

And this country, built on immigrants, is clamoring to close its borders, have one national language, and we're trying to hold on to our freedoms for life, in fear.

I'm not wallowing ~ but I am taking a moment to remember.

On this day of remembrance, dwell on those you love. Pick up the phone and let someone you love know that you love them. Choose the good stuff.

For us born after JFK was shot, and who are too young to remember Elvis' death, this is a defining of a generation... where were you on 9/11 2001?

September 1st

Well ~ I only managed to get one entry in August...
Here's a picture of my month... I put in some colored spots to edit a bit... but you can see there was a lot going on. I won't be able to talk about the surprise I've been working on for a few months ~ well, a couple of surprises, actually! But it has taken up my time, as well as taking on selling bulk tickets for the chorus for our show in October. My brother's getting married in October, and I am planning to go to Sweet Adelines International Convention in October. Thankfully, September is not quite as full!

I was sick all last week ~ I'm sure my feelings of being overwhelmed by all the things I'd said "Yes" to were contributing to my anger, depression... not to mention the hormones -- but that is over and that wave has disappeared and I'm back to my normal optimistic & sunny self (!)

Don't get me wrong ~ there is still a lot going on!

The two craft classes I've taught so far have gone really well ~ I've taken pictures of the participants with their cards, and it is awesome interacting with the seniors at Fellowship Square again. The singing is also going really well. I did a 5 song sing-along this past Wednesday, being sick and all... I usually perform better when I'm partially sick because I don't put that perfection pressure on myself (sometime I'll have to tell the story of Singing in Ireland at the IABS - Irish Assoc. of Barbershop Singers - contest with my UK quartet, "Steppin' Forth".. sick as a dog but still managing to bring home a huge medal...literally huge compared to the Sweet Adeline medals... 3rd place!).

Anyway -- we had much fun on Wednesday, and I'll make up the time with a longer performance in October.

I was thinking I'd put the cabaret singing on hold a little longer -- but himself has said that he thinks I shouldn't... that it will, in the next year or so, give me the freedom and even more importantly, the money, to do all these things I want to do. I just know in my heart that the minute I really commit to it, it will take off and I'll then (have to) be responsible, which strikes a bit 'o fear in my heart. A dream come true - performing for senior audiences... it might even lead to other, more prominent venues... and I see the snowball and doubt my readiness.

In some ways I'm quite afraid of committment -- there is that 'all or nothing' mentality that lies and says if I do this then I'll "never" do that... and well, I know that is a lie, but fear of missing out on something has stopped me from a number of opportunities, I think.

Anyway ~ I'm committed to doing five income-producing activities a day... or activities that will move my business forward... and exercising at least 3 times a week. The wedding is Oct 21st - so that gives me 6 weeks to lose a couple pounds -- and I have so much to lose I might even lose a whole size (or two) in that time, which would be phenomenal (did I spell that right?).

So -- I'm off to create!

Ostrich

I don't watch news. The information I get is what I read from the 5 headlines on the Yahoo home page, and the morning update on my radio station. Sometimes I click on stories to get more information, but the stories I click on are usually science or health related and so normally I avoid delving into more info on current events & the state of the world because it just creates fear.

Fear for the future. Fear for America. Fear for the world. Reading an editorial
in regards to the London Terror plot made me cry. It mentions that a moderate (read non-fanatic) muslim who reported an overheard conversation to a Brit, wouldn't sit down with an American to mention disturbing converstations he or she had overheard. See why I don't watch or listen to current events? It runs from ridiculous (how many days until Paris Hilton retires from public life?!) to terror-ific (the next attack on the West may be 10 years down the line).

Having lived in the UK has given me a MUCH broader scope of perspective. As frustrated as I was with the culture when living there, I did indeed feel safer than I do here in America. That seems so obvious as I write it... Great Brittain has survived, flourished, conquered, been conquered, survived and thrived for centuries... we, the colonists, are just young upstarts -- trying to prove ourselves and make lots of money, in a different age than when the Brits were doing their war-mongering and conquering. Nukes didn't exist. Instant news reports didn't exist.

One could make the argument that where we are today can be traced back to the crusades -- yes the crusades were bloody and horrible and unfair. Not to mention a long long long time ago... But the repercussions *then* -- well, no one was able to kill thousands of people with two airplanes and two high rise buildings. The world as we know *now* that we are dealing with -- have roots in the crusades, I would think. Hatred for a culture (Christians) being handed down from generation to generation, the stories growing as they were told over and over and over again...

I'm a Christian, so I'm supposed to replace the fear with faith, and 98% of the time I am able to do that -- I stick my head in the sandpit, ignore all the fear-mongering, hate, war.... and I get it that fear (even just 2% of it) paralyzes us (me), and stops us (me) from doing all the things that we (I) want to do. Himself's family lives in Scotland -- at this minute I don't ever want to get on an airplane again. Ever. I love travelling. I like flying, despite all the pains-in-the-a**e* of airplane travel.

Even if I take on the attitude of "If its your time its your time" -- which is what often gets me through fear -- and get on the plane, holy desert drought batman, NO WATER?! For 13+ hours?!! Or worse... what if himself has to fly without me to see them -- that separation invokes all sorts of horrible fearful feelings. The What If's take over and there the paralyzation begins, which then begets the 'why bother' attitude, which turns into depression because I'm not accomplishing anything.... and that is a crappy downward spiral I don't want to be in. again. Ignoring has worked well for me in being the person I want to be...

I also believe 100% that what we put out there is what we'll get back. Energy. Attitude. Hate. Love. Fear. Judgement. Do not judge lest you be judged. So Fear begets Fear. Love begets Love. The gentler energy takes more time, but like water on a stone (a la Beth Nielson Chapman song "Sand and water"), it eventually wins. Ultimately I'm an optimist with realistic tendencies (sounds like some kind of medical diagnosis).

I strongly dislike talking and discussing politics and world events -- it just brings to the surface my frustration, it shows my lack of knowledge and then I feel ignorant, and one thing I say I can't abide is purposeful ignorance. Well, guess what I'm doing when I bury my head in the sand? Guess I need to revisit that attitude ... (!) Mirror Mirror on the wall -- there is some quote or philosophy out there that says we hate in others what we hate in ourselves. Ta-Da!!

And my mom & step-dad are die-hard republicans, my dad & step-mom and half-brother are seriously die-hard democrats -- and according to my step-mom, it is okay being a conservative democrat, but not okay being a liberal republican. eh?!? The golden rule applies to both sides I guess - "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You" -- but can anyone really live this ideal honestly, without judgement, without hypocrisy, without arrogance for being 'more moral' than everyone else... ?

My mom bought Crunchy Cons by Rod Dreher for me to read, as it seems to sum up a better idea of the kind of republican I would make if I put any effort into a political belief. I registered republican at 18 because my mother was... and boyfriend at the time rolled his eyes and said, "I knew it!" and I countered with the reason he had registered as a democrat... because his parents were. I guess he didn't want to argue about it.

And if you want to read something really interesting that will shake up some of your belief system (if you are a person of faith), take a look at this website by Brian Elroy McKinley.

I was doing a search on ultra conservative guy James Dobson and found Elroy's site. Sometimes the Religious Right invokes the same fear in me as other ultra groups... and reading recent Christian blogs has showed me it is okay to be a Christian AND a Democrat (Gasp!), which (here comes a major shift in thought) is why I'm so grateful for the internet! [hows that for a transition out of sticky religion/political crap, er... stuff?!!]

Net Neutrality. Here's a paper that is worth reading to help get what the issue is about and why it is important to us (me). And here is a site that tells you about it in less words. And here is another, better, even easier to understand analogy of the 'net and what net neutrality is. I'm not saying for or against, just we (and I do mean WE) all, who value the internet and what it has added to our lives -- or, er... distracted to our lives -- should be aware of regarding the issue.

This is longer than I anticipated, and if you're still reading -- if you don't know or understand where I'm coming from regarding the state of the world, and how God and faith is supposed to somehow be added into the mix -- well, welcome to my world. Now... where is that sandpit?

I've not done one of these before... kinda fun

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

Scotland in Arizona

It is 10:30 am and I can't see the mountains that surround Tucson because of the low clouds -- it is dark, not a blue speck of sky to be seen -- that is why it is similar to Scotland, except the temperature of course... the temperature here is in the 80s ~ with as much humidity, probably... At 11:30 last night the sky was alight with lightening, and thunder cracking right over the house -- truly awesome. When I think the voice of God is like thunder, well, it makes one quiver a bit, eh?!

Its been awhile since I've felt like sharing thoughts that weren't a pity party. I put a little note on the wall above my monitor that says "Stop Whining" - You Asked To Be Busy - be Grateful for so many OPPORTUNITIES! And then posted some time limits on things I need to work on every day for me to fulfill obligations I've signed up for (chorus, quartet, craft class, housework, scrapping, singing for the seniors, block ticket sales for the show in October, booking for Glen for next spring). It has helped adjust my attitude quite a bit -- just need those visual reminders.

The new job is going kinda slowly. There is such a learning curve in the world of insurance -- and I'm sure each company has its own jargon ~ and just learning enough to do my little corner of it makes me so thankful I didn't get that job with Geico a couple years ago. The gals in my office are fun -- the one who is my comrade in the scrapbook addiction was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, and is having her lumpectomy today -- thankfully it is small -- but please say a little prayer for her if you're reading this. I have to admit the job doesn't thrill me, but the steady 15 hours a week paycheck is a nice assurance that I'll have money dedicated to paying my car payment... so I'm so grateful and very blessed to be there. And I do really enjoy the ladies in the office! And I think my little PT Cruiser is just the bees knees, so every time I drive it I'm thankful!

I desperately need to get a hair cut -- it is beyond ridiculous at this point -- but so easy to just stick it up and go without washing it for (more than) a few days.... ewwwweeeeee. And it gets this long and I think what a shame to cut it ~ but ya know, its hot, and a bother, and I never wear it down for those reasons -- I mean, with long hair I always end up getting it stuck underneath whatever bag I'm carrying on my shoulder, which hurts, tears more hair out... and did I mention hurts... so it takes me forever to grab my bag and go... especially if I'm in the car ~ which takes me forever to get out of anyway, *without* any hair issues to add to the time. Does anyone else give such thought to something that is really so very minor?!! And lets not even talk about the gray ~ yikes. Himself's shows up worse because of his dark hair, but there are clusters on either sides of my temples that betray how much I have... and what is this all about when these grays show up in my eyebrows?!

Okay, enough about the hair :-)

I'm going to stay with an old college roomate when I go out to Ontario for Sweet Adelines Region 21 Summer Regional the first weekend in August -- I called her, as I do every year or two out of the blue.. she's not got email, she's terrible about writing or calling, so I'm (she's?) just lucky she doesn't move around a lot and her phone number stays the same. She was one of the roomies - when 3 of us shared a room, but she wasn't there on the weekends generally, and her boyfriend (now husband) would come and stay on our floor on the Friday night before they would go home to Arcadia for the weekend... We teased him about being our 6th roomie...

On the way back to Arizona I'm going to stay with a former expat friend I met while in Scotland ~ haven't seen her since she came out to Arizona last year and we spent a day and 1/2 scrapping in a hotel in Phoenix. It'll be great to connect with her again, too.

Lots of fun stuff coming up with coaching for the quartet, and coaching opportunities at educational weekends ~ we're trying to learn Christmas music to fundraise for ourselves this holiday season, so its nice looking at some new (and easier) music.

Himself's job didn't go where we were hoping it would after his temporary stint in Quicken Beta Testing... he didn't speak up fast enough -- or loud enough, for that matter. He may end up getting something I think will be better... but that still remains to be seen, and it means he still has to be back on the phones for a month or so ~ which is always hard if you've been off of them for awhile. He still loves the company, the job etc... so not complaining at all!!!

We're slowly getting the house together ~ we're obtaining a *free* 3-year old King Size bed this weekend, so we'll have an extra double bed which will eventually go into storage, but we have some work to do before we put it out there, and working in the storage unit at the side of the house in this heat is just, well, stupid. Too hot -- wayyyy too hot. The sleeping in separate double beds in the same room has been a successful experiment, but I think having a bed almost twice the size of the original double bed we were sharing will rid us of some of the issues himself was having with me -- mainly that I'm not a peaceful, easy, feminine or gentle sleeper. Whacking him up the side of the head, or in the middle of his back... well, just par for the course on some nights -- poor guy!! And we'll have the guest bed set up for nights when his or my snoring is just too much.

Gotta get to work now -- a ton 'o stuff to do today!

What an awesome storm

And it was right over the house. As I left work I was heading toward the lightening that looked as if it were hitting the ground... or my house! Serious thunder, heavy rain, hardly any visibility... I sat outside and got wet ~ it was incredible. One of the many things I missed when I lived in Scotland was summer storms like this!!

Work was slow -- I thought I was going to start making calls today, but no -- perhaps tomorrow.

I'm playing hookey from chorus tonight -- feeling overwhelmed with all that stuff going on ~ am thinking of dropping out of the show, still working on the committees etc... - staying active as a member except for the learning of 12+ new songs before October 28th... then go back in January for contest. Still working hard on the management board and doing my thing there, but just not going to stand for 3+ hours in a small room with 70 women for 3 hours in the middle of summer in Arizona. I'm really wussing out on the heat thing. I just can't take it, and I'm getting to the point that I'm not going to force myself.

I'm getting my performing fix with my singing for the seniors and within my quartet. :-) God is so Good!!

Himself is going to give me $1,000 to pay off my credit card - which still leaves me $500 for stamps (and crafts)!!!

Teaching the craft class on Saturday was really really fun! I had 12 residents, who all gave great feedback, and I think almost all of them will return for next month's class. We did cards, I'd pre-stamped 3 flower images per attendee, gave 3 folded cards with matching envelopes and 5 background colors. We then did watercolor pencil technique, which they'd never done before, and thought that was really awesome... and in general were very enthusiastic. I met with my former boss for lunch yesterday and we discussed the future of the craft classes - one a month between now and the end of the year, singing July, August, October & December for the birthday party, and then hopefully starting with scrapbooking classes in the new year. With some more money for my own stuff, I'll be able to create some more projects for the classes, which is exciting.

Back to my CA trip: It was also so awesome seeing my friend from 2nd grade in California - her mom and her children. It wasn't awkward at all -- and there is nothing like old friends. I'm so very grateful for good friends. That being said, I really miss my pal who is living in China now -- I spent 4 days scrapping with her at her folks in Tracy, and when I think about it too much, I start to cry because I don't have anyone like her in my life that lives ... like... on the same continent even!

Which brings me to some thoughts -- we are all so busy -- we get to know each other because we're working on the same project, or committee, or small group -- but how often do we take the time to get to know someone over a cup of coffee, sitting for 3 hours at Starbucks (I was lucky and did that with a gal from chorus a few months ago)...?!! I know I overschedule myself because then I don' t have to spend time with myself ~ the self that is the negative inner voice constantly criticizing and tearing myself down -- by keeping things really busy I don't have time to just be. Yet I also then don't have time to just BE with my coffee, my Bible, my praise music or my friends.

And this is typical for me -- get myself involved with a zillion things and then drop most of them because I'm burned out. Scrapping and Singing -- with a side of stamping and crafting, oh, and booking another entertainer... and trying to pick up after himself (why can't his clothes be piled on the clothes hamper?!), and keep my floors reasonable, along with keeping up with a much larger house now. I need to have a conversation with himself about this -- where our responsibilities lie, but these conversations usually have to take place on weekends because we're both tired and on the grumpy side during the week... but I've been gone. Another reason to cut back a bit.

I hope I can just ride this one out (because it usually is a wave to ride... these feelings), and get back to normal busy in a couple days.

And how cool was it to pay my first car payment with my paycheck wages that were in our Credit Union account today?!! Excellently Cool!

Back!!

What a week!!!

I scrapped for 38 hours Friday - Monday -- yay!! Got lots of pages done, and more stuff to do more pages! It was awesome seeing my pal who now lives in China, stay with her mom & dad (her dad washed my car, even!), and just have nothing to do but scrap.

I then went to Sacramento to see my favorite cousin (second cousin, really) -- and what a world of difference. On the way up I called one of my oldest friends (have known her since 2nd grade, Parkview Elementary when it was new, in San Jose, CA) and arranged to see her Thursday night for dinner and saw her mom (who hasn't hardly changed), her two kids, and her husband. It was a fabulous night.

Back to my cousins -- I love her so dearly, and when I was in my 20's I could handle the chaos that is her life and her house, but as I'm aging, I realize that I can't take it for as long. This will be an annual trek to California, but 3 nights is too long. My heart aches for her -- she is raising her 3 year old grandson, who has some developmental delays, but is a sweet boy. Two of her three daughters are not coping with life very well, and the one who is coping terrifically only can do so because of the boundaries she has to set with her mother.

And what a woman of faith. There is such a sweetness to her, and such love, and such generosity of spirit and of self. I want to go in and wave my magic wand and fix it all. Yet my own house isn't in order... I haven't got my own routines set yet, but I did leave her with the 15 minute magic rule! And perhaps it will help.

I taught a craft class Saturday at my former place of work, and it went really really well!! Today I've paid some bills, went and got some more storage solutions, and made a long list of things to do, some of which I've done -- some of which I dread, and some are just never ending. But life is good. Oh so good. I'm busy and I love it. God is so good. Himself still surprises me with the depth of his feelings... he doesn't give a flip about 95% of anything I say or do, so when he does I'm floored... oblivious, really.

I'm trying to avoid being the middle person between our landlady (my mother) and himself... and in trying to avoid a huge karfuffle, I hurt his feelings, and have felt crappy about it since I found out. I couldn't figure out why he was aloof and kinda rude with me earlier this morning (I was just making lunch) -- and so I harbored all sorts of dark, stormy thoughts of all the things wrong with HIM (hrumph!), and then when he told me why he was upset -- HOURS later.... so like a man (!!) I felt bad. I've apologized, but it seems there is a bit of trust gone. argh. I wish he'd told me AT THE TIME, so we could have worked it out... but no, he let it fester and is now being kinda childish altogether and refuses to have a conversation with the landlady about it. 'm frustrated so I'm not as nicey nice as I probably should be with the male bruised ego. But as I said, there is so little he cares about that I care deeply and don't know how to handle it... I want to fix it.

And I thought I want children. I've got one already.

I'm at a loss.

California here I come...

The job is good.

The house is awesome.

Himself is loving life (and dressing up like a Pirate to go see Pirates of the Caribbean II later today... ).

Had a busy and fun Indian Food Feast on the Sunday before the 4th of July -- during the cooking on Sunday my quartet was down and we were singing Christmas Carols... God Bless America! *hee hee*

Off to scrap with my pal --

Will get back to normal (whatever that is!) when I return.

2:00 am

Can't sleep. I took a nap at 2pm and overslept until 4:30. I shouldn't have done it... self-sabatoging, really. I unpacked 2 more boxes today, and called the post office to make sure our mail will start being delivered again (it has), and wrote out what my FLYlady morning and evening routines will be... I don't think it is too much, and I did most of the evening routine tonight. Okay, half of what is on my list.

Something I read in one of the many many many emails that come from FLYlady was living the "wannabe" life ~ keeping things that might be used 'one day' is essentially hoarding, and believing that you won't have 'enough' to buy another one should you really need it in the future, which, of course, is living in fear.

Listening to Family Life Radio the other day I heard the tail end of a talk about a guy saying that we shouldn't live in fear. I know that. I intellectually understand that. But do I emotionally GET IT? I resist having children because of fear... the what ifs of child rearing. I cut myself off from such joy... joy I don't even really understand because of this fear. And when I stop and think about it, I know I can replace that fear with faith. I've done it before, but it isn't a habit. And it needs to be.

But back to wannabe -- keeping things (Clutter, really... stuff!!) that will prove/show that 'one of these days' I'll have the time/money/motivation to be perfect. Yep, that is what it is. The quest for perfection. And again, I know intellectually that I'm not perfect. That it is foolish and stops me from even trying some things... I beat myself up and the 'inner committee' starts the negative self talk tape and before I know it I'm mired in hopelessness, despair and the 'why bother' attitude.

I remember not re-subscribing to the Martha Stewart Living magazine back in 1996 or so because I just got depressed reading it... wanting to be that, and not having the money/time or tools... and constantly feeling like I was falling short, that I was not enough.

Kind of jumping around a little... welcome to my head. I haven't used my timer since the 2nd week of June, and I can tell. I spend too much time on the computer and all of a sudden it is 2pm and I'm not showered or dressed, I want to nap... *sigh!*

The house cleaners and the yard guy were here yesterday -- and now I'm missing my 2 bottles of Lysol with Bleach cleaners, my Lysol toilet cleaner, my 2 pumice stones, the Bon Ami & Kleen King powder... weird. More annoying than anything else! Recently I've been reading/researching the benefits of Distilled Vinegar ~ that stuff is amazing!! I have some in a spray bottle and have been using it. And no, it doesn't smell vinegar-y after a few minutes. Tying those two thoughts together -- I don't really need a bunch of cleaners when Vinegar & Baking Soda, some Ammonia & one other inexpensive element which I can't think of right now, you really have all you need to clean your house. Even to help keep drains clear.

The yard looks fabulous. I had him cut off some of the lower branches of the orange tree so we won't break our backs trying to clear out fallen oranges... had him take out the Texas Ranger bush by the bedroom door (it attracts bees), and pull out some monster weeds. He also cut a couple of Palm Tree limbs that were overgrowing into the patio walkway, and so now we won't poke our eyes out going around to the back of the house - yay!

Also, yesterday (Wednesday), there was a 5 minute power out, and my computer wouldn't turn back on afterwards. Talk about panicked! It was like my left arm had been cut off... I read somewhere on the internet tonight (!) that the computer has overtaken all the other home appliances as the most used. duh. Of course, himself, computer guru-genius was able to fix it without any trouble *wipes sweat from brow* WHEW!! And I'm not even going to the place to talk about backing my computer up.... argh.

I've agreed to do group sales for the chorus show in October. Yeah, I have time for that. (please hear the slight sarcasm) It is a double goodie, however, which is why I did it... I need the list of retirement communities in and around Tucson for my own cabaret business (and for Glen Rose), so it will ultimately benefit me personally, too. And there are other groups to whom we can reach out and offer to come see our show. It is going to be a great show, as un-excited as I usually am for chorus shows, it comes as a surprise that I'm really quite excited about this one. Which helps when one is in charge of group sales. I need to spend some time thinking about it, and who I'd like on my team as volunteers.

Had a great quartet rehearsal on Sunday -- and then a couple days later I wrote out a ganga-email talking about all sorts of stuff we didnt' have a chance to even bring up to talk about at a later date -- so we still have a lot of plans to discuss. We've chosen 5 new songs to learn. I'm currently on the "Hearts Afire" quartet assistance plan, because my finances haven't been high... but with this new part time job (starting Tuesday) I'll be able to pay the car loan, car insurance & still have some money to save and to play. We're going to Ontario, California the first weekend in August for Region 21's summer education weekend. It is all about character development for singing, and that is an area 3/4 of us lack ... *heh heh* I'm excited to get back into that part of the process, and I'm very excited to learn some new techniques.

I'm also putting together a double quartet for that weekend, as there is a fun double quartet contest. I was ready to chuck it (and saying words rhyming with 'chuck') on Tuesday night after chorus, but I think I was just tired. It may fall apart because I wasn't able to do anything organizational between contest and the 1st of June because of the deaths in May, and moving... and I'm very sorry about that, and I realize I'm defensive because I could/should have communicated or passed the responsibility/shared my vision with someone who could have started it. I hope I learned that lesson and that I don't get it again!

Himself is doing great at work ~ they love him. He's been asked to apply for yet another department when this Quicken Beta Testing phase is over (probably another 6-8 weeks)... which would be more of the same, only with a personal medical records type program, quite specialized. He is quite happy and content with everything right now... but now we've got the bills coming -blech-!

We'll be celebrating our 8 year anniversary on Saturday (it was the 20th)... with a fun day. Garage Sales in the morning, breakfast at the Happy Rooster, getting the blue couch out of storage (not fun, but will be fun to have a couch again in the living room), using our gift vouchers for lunch and a movie... renting some DVD's and eating junk food at night. I'm looking forward to it!

Dog Sitting

So I'm in Cave Creek while mom and Step "Pops" are on a 1/2 driving, 1/2 motorcycle riding trip up to the Grand Canyon -- it is very very peaceful ~ I got up at 5:30 this morning *Yawn!* to take the dogs on a walk, then have done nothing but laze around the house. The dogs know when it is time to be fed, and come over wagging their tales looking cute :-) -- and so I know it is 4:00 pm or so.

I've scrapped 8 pages for Sis, and had already organized pictures with paper -- so it is going pretty fast. The space that mom and I set up to scrap is a little stuffy upstairs when it is 110 F outside, but I lowered the air conditioning to 77 degrees, rather than 80, and that has made my stay altogether much more pleasurable.

Only one golf ball has hit the house so far... a picture of Grandma Wade mysteriously fell off the wall upstairs when no one was up there... but the music hasn't gone off in the middle of the night, and nothing else exciting to tell.

Just talked to himself who is keeping himself busy hanging stuff in the house ~ broke a mirror ~ bummer! And watched the USA v Italy World Cup match - 1-1 - so USA is doing well... anyone against Italy who scores is doing well, apparently.

I've been watching sappy Lifetime Movie Network, and loving it.

I've not done my other "projects" I'm supposed to do -- quartet rehearsal tomorrow... maybe I'll do some tonight.

*WHEW*

Well, we're on the downside of the Moving Mountain! Last week has become a blur -- a blur of soreness, pain, heat exhaustion, cleaning, cleaning, moving, cleaning, and shattered. But I'm back online and will post more details later... himself just got home from work.

Memorial Day 06

In my little corner of the world, the movers come tomorrow. We have many boxes yet to pack, but I think we are just at the half-way point, so progress at this point is serious progress :-). A.T. has done tremendous amounts of packing and work in clearing the family room, dining room & red bedroom so we have a place to move our stuff into. Her movers come Wednesday afternoon -- so logistically it will be a stuffed house for 24 hours -- but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We spent a couple hours last night over there, and I unpacked most of the kitchen -- we have so little by way of plates, glasses and cookware that there are lots of shelves with nothing on them -- gosh, how cool is that?! And a pantry... *slobber* I can't wait!

I have my little 15-minute timer that I am wearing around my neck, and 5 minutes until I have to finish this and get back to packing.

Mom & I got back from California on Friday evening around 5:30 pm, and I left for Tucson about 7:30 -- home by 10:45 or so. I had been able to nap a couple times in the car when mom drove, so I was fine, though it was a long day.

I am still sad over the loss of B.K. within the family, it was a really nice service, with lots of family and friends of hers getting up to speak and talk of memories of how much their lives had been enriched from knowing her and being loved by her. Daughter B's husband H said some really nice things, and did a great job of being the first 'talk.' All the guys had on purple shirts & ties in honor of B.K. and her favorite color... and almost everyone had on some purple or lavendar somewhere...

Thursday morning before leaving mom & I went to R.C.'s & C.J.'s "for coffee" and stayed for 5 hours -- it was his 88th birthday, so he kept getting phone calls to wish him a happy birthday (his party was Saturday) -- and my timer went off, so more later.

Purpose

I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep -- so I started surfing around and finding blogs I wanted to bookmark and keep up with. Most of them are Christian or Spiritually oriented, which is good and good for me. Usually I end up playing 'spider solitaire' until I get drowsy enough to go back to bed. Reading things that help me focus on being a better person and what my priorities are and that I am a beloved child of God makes it easier when I'm feeling useless.

In reading these posts, I feel less than. Not inferior. Not worse to imply they are better. Just the Carrie < 'Bloggers I've read today'. And the same old tapes start to play, and really, they are so worn and tired, scratchy and haggard (gosh I love the online thesaurus!). A new track is certainly in order. I am a beloved child of God. That would be a good start, wouldn't it?!

I haven't let my soul out on the internet -- there's a lot of weirdos out there(!) Yet, I have nothing to hide, I'm not divulging my social security number, or my bank account information, I don't even like putting out friend's real names. I've been pretty honest though, allowing uglier, more human and dare I say, sinful, parts of my pysche to show. But I don't really post anything controversial -- opinions that may differ from anyone else's, anything shocking. (What would Tom Cruise say about my depression medication while I was in Scotland?! *ha ha!*) Controversy is not my intent. [side track: In the UK they pronounce CON-tro-ver-sy as Con-TRA-ver-sy. Weird, huh? ] Do I want thought-provoking dialogue? ummmm... I don't think I want it necesarily in *my* blog, but I appreciate being able to observe it happening on other people's blogs.

Mike Cope's blog had over 80 comments on why Starbucks is ruling the world (May 18th entry). I joined in, because I like Starbucks, but I don't drink regular coffee there. I can drink coffee at home... I go to Starbucks because I can get things there that I can't create at home - atmosphere, memories, Caramel Cream Frappaccinos... I had just as much fun reading all the comments on his blog as I have fun reading his entries.

I just found another Pepperdine Pal -- via a comment from one of the blogs I'd happened onto, and his most recent post was how blogging hasn't become a comfortable place for him to be. He feels presumptous, among other things. I understand his perspective & have felt the same. I, on the other hand, don't think many people read what I write, I'm writing for me, mostly, sort of. I write because I've always written -- some kind of journal, some kind of commentary always mumbling through my thoughts on what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, what I'm doing it for and judging it. I also write because this is easier than writing a bunch of emails, and people who are interested can keep up with me, if they are so inclined. It also will help me when it comes to scrapbooking this year, to have dates and activities documented...

My underlying thought is, 'what if some of these (talented, gifted, spiritual) people (whom I admire) whom I've read, come to my blog and read it? What would they think?' And I have this internal dialogue that goes something like this:

Rational Healthy(?) Self: So what? You're an interesting, gifted, Godly woman who has contributed to the world around her in ways that are significant to those who know her and love her... it is okay to show people who you really are. If they don't like you, or your opinions, it is their issue, not yours.

Guilty People Pleasing Self: Whaddya mean so what? What if someone doesn't like me? That whole line about "that is their issue not yours" is so, so... worldly. So modern. So self-protecting and arrogant. Harsh. Unkind.

Healthy Self: (interrupts) So What? What is the worst thing that can happen if someone doesn't like you?

People Pleasing Self: Then I will be thought less of. Not enough. Not perfect. Un-charitable, un-Christian. And what if I don't have reasons to back my opinions up.... it is just easier to not put it out there.

You can see why I get confused... finding the balance between loving, gentle and kind, and also having a healthy self-esteem regarding someone who may have a difference of opinion from me... how to stand up for oneself, while turning the other cheek -- to have a healthy self worth without losing the disciple's path to be like Jesus.

But confusion is the devil's tool. Battling it takes focus. Solidity of thought. Unwavering belief and faith in the desired outcome. Knowing who to turn to when a question comes up, rather than floundering around hoping someone comes to give you a hand. Reminding yourself that you are a beloved Child of God. BELOVED! adored.

I guess JC didn't have a self-esteem problem because - duh! He knew he was (is)

A Beloved Child Of God.

That was a long way around to get to the purpose... and wasn't at all what I thought I intended to say, but methinks it needed to be thought through & said.

3

I just found out a couple hours ago that a special relative has died. My dad called at 8:10 pm and I saw his number on the caller ID and knew it was bad news. My sister is cancer-free and just finished her last radiation treatment wednesday, so I wasn't thinking it was her. I was expecting an beloved uncle to have passed away, but instead it was one of my dad's favorite cousins, BK. She had a massive stroke yesterday, her family was told if she lived she would be a vegetable, and was taken off life support at 5pm. She passed away with her family there around midnight. I'm still so sad. Sad for her kids and grandkids. Sad for her close cousins who live near her, who are MY favorite cousins. I got off the phone with my dad and then had to call my mom and tell her.

I could hardly get the words out, and am welling up right now thinking of it again. I'm feeling the grief for everyone else's loss more than for myself -- my mom who is her age, maybe slightly older. I'm feeling grief that we are all aging and that we all will lose or have already lost someone near and dear to us. I'm crying for the day when I will lose my mom.

My mom and I are planning to go to the funeral - my dad's side of the family is so close, and it had been a year since I saw them all (last April for beloved great uncle SOB & CJ's 60th wedding anniversary), and I love them all so very very much. I know my mom still misses being around that clan :-) That knowledge, that we'll be out of town for a few days, will kick my packing in gear, as I won't have the whole week I was thinking I had.

I'm so glad I'm home to be here for these times. Feeling the sadness isn't what I'm glad for, of course, but that I can be here to mourn with those who are mourning, and be here to be there for my mom. Words fail me.

It caught up with me

The icky bug that everyone it seems has had... I have a mild case of it, but it is still making me feel queasy, and very much like not wanting to do any of the many tasks I have set up to do before we move.

I asked himself to bring home chicken noodle soup and some pre-made jello. He is aware that I'm avoiding sweeteners, yet did not notice that all the jello he brought me was sugar-free. They make me feel queasier. How does one handle this? I'm so thankful he was willing to stop by the store to pick them up for me, but yet they are not what I need. Yet I won't tell him, because that won't do any good. He hates 'jelly' - so no fear that they'll be eaten by anyone but me. Great.

How is it that we can be so unaware? I didn't set out with this post to be whiny and complaining, really I didn't. He is so thoughtful and spoils me in so many other ways ~ and I'm a lucky lucky woman to have someone who isn't uptight, isn't a perfectionist about neatness, isn't a clothes horse or finicky about how his laundry is done. And who buys me roll-up keyboards :-) Argh...

I've been reading a Pepperdine friend's blog, and read a post that they were in Arizona in April. I'm bummed he didn't even send me an email to say "hey, if you're around, our schedule will be... and it would be great to hang out and have pie & coffee..." And I know he would feel bad if he knew (I left him a comment on the post letting him know with humor that I was bummed). And really, to be honest, my feelings are not really directed at him.

It goes back to being the one who calls. Though today a friend of mine did ring and say lets get together, and that helps balance out the scale :-). Why does it matter who calls? I know my friends love me and always appreciate hearing from me and being able to catch up... yet what would happen if I didn't? Life would intervene and friendships would fade, and that would make me even sadder, so I call.

What goes around comes around.

And death. Sudden, shocking, I can't believe these people are no longer alive death. Terry Howell, founder and force of Arizona Rose Theatre, died pretty suddenly May 2nd of Congestive Heart Failure. I went to the memorial on Friday -- and how thankful I am that I saw the Howells in December and got hugs, and felt peace from that chapter of my life, and that it was finally closed. Otherwise, it would have been much uglier for me on Friday. When I heard the news a couple days after he passed away, I went into administrative mode, and contacted some old Arizona Rose Friends - kids I worked with who are now all grown up and graduated themselves from college and walking the pavement trying to be professional actors. How much I admire them for their talent and their committment... their committment!!

A day or so later, I get news that a friend from Scotland, part of the Forth Valley Chorus, died after not being well -- but only a couple close friends knew that she'd been diagnosed with bone cancer. She leaves behind a teenaged severely handicapped daughter. The chorus was competing in their regional contest when they heard the news -- what an emotional time it must have been -- and the memorial is the 18th. News of Margaret's death hit me harder, and the realization that we really need to live with joy, peace, love, and courage -- live without fear -- that realization I would like to say has made a difference and stuck with me. But I'm not living life any different.

This truly is a rambling post -- no plan, no continuity, no trying to be witty, just trying to spell things write, er, right, yeah.

It is time for me to stop wishing and wanting and to choose. And I've been avoiding committment and choice all my life -- I don't choose to committ to living a healthy lifestyle or adding exercise to my life, I don't choose to clean my house for 15 minutes a day (only 15-daggum minutes.......!!!!!!!!!), and I don't choose to grow up. I keep saying I want my own business, but have wasted a lot of time, and it is not funny anymore. We're moving to an expensive house and I need to step up and start contributing.

Well -- now you've seen the inside of my head.

1 year yesterday

Himself's 1-year 'living in America' anniversary was yesterday. With everything that has happened in the past year, it actually *feels* like it has been a year -- it hasn't passed by unbelievably quickly. He was talking about sending out an email with thoughts about living here a year... and in talking about jobs and future, he said he is E*X*A*C*T*L*Y where he wants to be. If someone had asked him a year ago what his perfect job would be, it would be tech support for a good software company. Well, that is exactly where he is. He had some doubts in the middle of tax season -- mostly the feeling of not knowing enough -- but now with the calls slowing down and he's Beta Testing for Quicken -- 3 months of answering emails... he's very content and happy with what he is doing. I'm thrilled that things have worked out this way.

As for me... enought wishing and wanting -- I need to choose to start making a living. My hobby has come first for the last 6 months, and now it has to take the back seat while I get my business off the ground.

Tra La -- It's May, that lusty month of May!!

Wow. I haven't felt like writing in so long, so nice to be in the mood again. April just kinda sped by, with Sweet Adeline Region 21 contest preparation... and this week contest is upon us! On Friday, May 5th I'll be competing with my quartet, "Hearts Afire" as contestant #10 out of 17; and on Saturday, I'll be competing with my chorus, Tucson Desert Harmony - and we are contestant #7 out of 10.

Contest. Where hundreds of women, all garbed in sequins, sparkles, glitter, all-in-ones (underwear best described as spandex armor), false eyelashes, stage makeup, and uncomfortable shoes. We aim to improve our scores from the previous year(s), and to see what the other barbershoppers in our region are doing. We meet up with old friends, make new friends... oh yeah, and we sing. We sing anywhere someone else isn't already. We sing in the hallways of the hotel, in the bars of the hotel, in the street, on the bus, in our rooms, and of course - on stage! We smile, we talk our butterflies into trying to fly in formation in our bodies, we self-talk, we visualize, we pray. We want to get past ourselves and give a gift to our audience. The gift of a musical experience that they will remember always. We want to judges to be truthful yet kind. We want to feel the love, hear the cheers, listen to the harmony, and laugh with everyone else who understands the inside jokes of a cappella singers. We also shop. We are attracted to things that glitter and shine as blackbirds to bits of tinsel... and there are plenty of vendors who supply us with our necessary goodies!

Himself was one of 26 'seasonals' at work who were asked to stay on permanently, so answers to prayers there! He's now full time employed, full medical benefits *heaving sigh of relief!* and a very decent salary. When you consider that it is a call center, in Tucson (not known for its high salaries and/or decent living wages due to being such a service oriented town...), and it is certainly one of the best companies in town, we are very very pleased. We plan to move back into the house I grew up in, rent it from mom for awhile, then make plans to buy it within the year. We plan to move the end of May, as the lease on the apartment is up May 31. We are very excited to be moving into more space -- and dreaming of all the things we want to do.

I've been traveling to Phoenix every weekend but one in April, due to quartet rehearsals and performances, so I'll be cutting back on that traveling now that contest is over shortly. I have agreed to be on the board for the chorus, so that will be a little more work, but I'm excited about contributing more toward the overall good! :-) I guess what I'm saying is things will hopefully get back to more normal, whatever normal is, in June.

I'll be teaching a craft class twice monthly in June, July, August & September, as well as singing for the June and August birthday parties at Fellowship Square. With another 20 songs under my belt from the birthday parties, by September I should have a complete show together, and can actually start marketing myself to other senior living residences.

I don't know if I'm changing -- regarding to accomplishing goals and increasing my self discipline, but I feel stronger. Hard to really describe... I do *GET* that for something to change, someone has to take a stand. My "stands" have not been rooted -- and I am still going with the flow, rather than staying my ground. I recognize this, and for most aspects of my life, I like the fact that I'm flexible, and spontaneous -- yet in matters of weight loss, exercise and my own business, this 'waving in the wind' is definitely NOT working for me! When I say I'm working 3 days a week, that means I cannot say on one of my designated work days, "sure, I can meet you for lunch on that day..." or think that I deserve a break. Because a break from doing nothing shouldn't be called a break. It should be called selfish and instant gratification.

This makes a lot of sense in my head. *ha ha!!*

Basically, taking 15 minutes at the beginning and the end of my day(s) to plan would enable me to plan to get to Curves... PLAN the meal to cook... plan the birthday cards I want to send, the phone calls I want to make, and the emails/internet surfing time 'rewards'. Maybe tonight I can start that. And make this move the fabulous opportunity it is to do some baby flying with FlyLady.

I'm still here...

Gosh, where DOES the time go... it has been pretty busy and getting here to write just hasn't been a priority. We got back from San Diego and while the calendar on my wall doesn't have a lot written down, I sure hit the ground running.

I've been working on putting a friend's pictures from her trip to Bali onto a digital sharing source (i.e., Video CD) so she could share the photos with the Bali group, as well as her family and friends back East. I did a cool Power Point presentation, but even if the DVD player can play video CD's, it doesn't know how to read PPT presentations, so I had to quickly switch her pictures over to something the DVD player could read. Very frustrating (for both of us), as we started this process so long ago, and had plenty of time, but as usual in my own life, the time I have is the time I need... it might be a little early in the day to go there philisophically.

I missed going to Curves most of April - I started going again last week, after a friend signed up and we have agreed to meet each other there -- so that helps me with the external motivation!

I called two places regarding part-time jobs ~ I don't think that is the plan for me yet, however. We just found out yesterday that himself will be made permanent full time at Intuit (Praise God!), so he'll be making more money and will be working at a great company - we plan to move back to the house I grew up in sometime in May. YAY!!!! My goal is to bring in a minimum of $800.00 a month doing the various endeavors I've been pursuing -- and if that isn't happening in another 3 to 6 months, then I'll go and get a structured job.

I also met up with an old theatre buddy who've I've not seen in years and years - we had lunch at Applebees and generally caught up with each other - she has a baby who is celebrating her first birthday this month - and is doing beading and selling her stuff, which is beautiful! It was so cool to catch up and just hang out.

Knowing that I need money, I've been scrapping a lot, and have a goal in mind - so that is been my main focus outside of quartet. I can't believe our contest is just about 2 weeks away! I drove up to Chandler yesterday and we had a really really good rehearsal - it was only 3 hours, but it was exactly what we needed, and I think we all are feeling a lot better and more secure about our musical product & presentation. Our costumes are being made, and we have a fitting on the 24th - I'll be in Phoenix all weekend due to we're singing on Cactus Country Chorus's afterglow (their show after party) Saturday night, then regular rehearsal on Sunday, and then the costume fitting on Monday morning, with a few more hours of singing, then home for a chorus board meeting on Monday night. Then the new board will take over in May onward.

This is it for today.

catching up with longtime friends (cuz we're not OLD!)

Yay!! I found a friend from a long time ago! I just read an email from him, and there's nothing like an old friend, because they know history... history you don't have to explain, history you don't have to share with new friends... not that new friends aren't great ~ and eventually new friends will be old friends -- but that long connection is just another root that keeps me grounded.

I just got back from another fabulous weekend in San Diego - this time with my entire quartet *smiley face!* and we had a fab-u-rific coaching session with my favorite sweet adeline diva, Kim Hulbert. It is just a month away... this first-for-me Region 21 contest... and we've now got our fabric for costumes, the pattern for the costume, and an idea of what our scoresheets will probably say. The butterflies really need to start flying in formation now...

There was some interesting and insightful comments made by Kim regarding our self-image -- both as individuals and as a quartet... so I have some listening and analyzing to do...

Things are good. I'm still searching for the key to keeping up the motivation I need to accomplish the healthy living lifestyle, however.

doldrums

I don't even know what to say.

Yesterday was a great day.

The day before that was a great day.

I had an amazingly productive weekend.

I'm emotionally exhausted and depressed today.

I just want to crawl back in bed.

Have I taken on too many things? *One would think YES!*

And I have no money.

All my ideas will bring in money, but trying to get anything up and running to get to that money-making point is just overwhelming. Therefore I hide away.

I keep thinking I've not done/ am not doing enough -- of whatever I'm involved in, I feel like I lack contribution, or could have done more. Every day I feel like I've not done enough of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. I have listed affirmations on my bathroom mirror... yet my internal dialogue (or inner committee as I heard someone refer to it once) is constantly knocking me down.

I know this is just a mood. In my head I understand that. Yet, knowing that, I lack the self-discipline to get off my ass and move -- activity is the answer to this temporary lack of enthusiasm, but therein lies the problem... a circle of inactivity leading to more and more inactivity. This is a perfect example of what I do to sabatoge myself and my goals. To do something even if I don't feel like doing it... that is the discipline I lack *resigning sigh*

Tomorrow is another day.

Yowza!

I'm home after a long weekend away -- well, actually, TWO long weekends away. Over the 10-11th our chorus had an amazing retreat weekend with Lori Lyford, unsurpassable director of Scottsdale Chorus (Current SAI International Chorus Champion Chorus). We had a great party on Saturday night - it was a 50's theme and we outdid ourselves dressing up... I found these fun glasses at the Gaslight Theatre's Costume shop. There was a bubblegum blowing contest (I didn't participate in the contest, but just popped the bubble on my nose...)

A hand-jive dance, "The Stroll" dance, a hula-hoop contest, The Limbo -- I left on the early side because I was exhausted -- but understand they had a trivia contest, and also a best costume contest.

We seemed to have turned a corner as a chorus, as far as taking seriously our personal responsiblity to each do our part in order to reach our goals ~ we're in a new rehearsal space now and last Tuesday we seemed to be keeping up the sound we made over the weekend pretty well. It is extremely exciting!

I had lunch with a friend (for 3 hours!) on Monday at our favorite local chain, EEGEE's, and generally caught up in each other's lives ~ she's a performer, out in LA now and trying to break into commercials. Her roomate just sold a screenplay, and she's met loads of interesting people and is having a great time! I wish she was closer so we could sing again together....

This last weekend my quartet got together for a little quartet retreat ~ we spent the night at Anne's and ate dinner at Chili's - watched "Into The Woods" DVD -- yay!!! And then sang from 9am to around 5pm on Saturday, ending the weekend by going to dinner at a favorite spot in East Mesa, "Red, White & Bru" restaurant. I think the weekend was extremely beneficial, but I feel less ready now (if that is possible) because of the amount of work we have to do before contest (May 5th in Phoenix). I love singing with these gals, and am having a great time ~ we all are committed to the process, and we all enjoy learning more and more about the craft of Barbershop. We're going out the first full week of April for coaching and I have a voice lesson with Kim Hulbert *YAY* -- and April will be chock-full of rehearsals gearing up for contest weekend.

Husband? He's still working - lots of overtime. We're not sure of the status of whether or not he'll be able to get a permanent full time position -- we won't know until a bit farther down the road ~ but I'm just trying to stay positive and not worry. We think we've found a fair deal to buy the house from mom, but again, it depends on our working/financial situation. Which means a lot of scrapping in the next few weeks!!

We finally got some rain -- and over the 10th/11th Southern Arizona even got snow! If I remember I'll post the picture mom sent of Cave Creek. And today has been very rainy - I even saw some hail on the side of the highway coming back down from the Phoenix area to Tucson.

I'll try to be better about regular posting - just too many balls in the air right now to remember a whole lot of anything!

Catching Up

I can hardly believe it is now March 8th! I had an awesome quartet rehearsal this past weekend ~ spent a great day with mom up in Cave Creek on Monday and got her little scrapping area set up... talked to Larry about buying the craft business, buying mom's house or not buying it... talked briefly to my sister, who just had her last chemo last Wednesday and was feeling great - she starts radiation the beginning of April. She also razzed me about scrapping my niece's photos... I sang with Glen Rose Saturday night on his show at Fellowship Square ~ 2 songs: Jimmy Van Heusen's "Polka Dots and Moonbeams" and "Imagine" ~ it was really fun, and as always, performing gets me all jazzed again to really pursue the cabaret business.

I've discovered Mascarpone Cheese ~ which is the American equivalent to Double Cream. Oh man, I'm in trouble now. Spread it on a Trader Joe's graham cracker and ta-da ~ a mini cheesecake... even nicer with a smidge of lemon curd on it too.

I am now on the board of the chorus -- which will be more responsibility and more nights out -- it should be an interesting year (I believe actually it is a 2-year committment) with that. This weekend is chorus retreat down in Sierra Vista, and next weekend I'll be at a 'quartet retreat' up in Mesa.

Today I actually was given money to help a lady with her computer... what a long way I've come there! It was way cool!

There are a lot of things going on right now ~ I'm developing a craft class to teach at Fellowship Square on a monthly basis, and am having lunch with my former boss to discuss plans and terms and future of that.

I've decided the first cabaret show will be a Cole Porter revue ~ I've chosen the songs, now to create the backtracks... time consuming but educational.

I'm still involved with my scrapbooking client and the Big Opportunity in regards to that...

There's chorus and quartet...

And the possibility of purchasing a Senior Activity business -- teaching crafts to seniors who are living in the smaller (8 - 10 residents) care homes.

Hmmmm... somehow it doesn't seem so much when I put it down here ~ but then I'm not mentioning that I'm supposed to be going to Curves 3 times a week, I'm going to a weekly crop, I'm supposed to be on Weight Watchers online and developing wonderfully tasty & healthy meals under the point plan, keeping the house reasonably clean, and keeping up with laundry. When that all is added in (and then there's keeping up with emails & blogs...) -- well, it is no wonder I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed once in awhile.

I've meant to send a thank you email to everyone who came to himself's party ~ and I've not done that yet... I'm still hanging on to a package for 'mater to go to Scotland, and another package to a friend in Australia... maybe I can get to the USPS on Friday before going down to Sierra Vista.

I'm so very very blessed... and extremely thankful for the incredible friends I have - for the gifts I've been given and the desire to use them. Pray for self-discipline for me so that I can divvy up my time and get it done, so I can contribute to our financial situation!!!

March 1st

*sigh* more later!